What Is Gaslighting? A Guide to Recognizing and Healing from Emotional Manipulation: Mattew Glowiak

My name is Matt Glowiak, and I am a mental health and addictions counselor, professor, author, presenter, and advocate of positive social change. Though my pathway toward becoming a mental health professional was not necessarily linear, it was one that continually called to me throughout life, and here I find myself following my callings. Beyond working with clients in a clinical setting and teaching graduate level students, I find immense value in educating the public on mental health and addiction in a relatable manner that makes sense. The more the general population knows on these topics, the more quickly and effectively we may destigmatize mental health and addictive disorders. 

There is this common misconception that people only see a counselor when they are struggling with significant mental health or addiction issues. The truth, however, is that not everyone who comes to counseling has a true diagnosable condition. Given that all of us face challenges at one point or another, counseling can prove fruitful toward helping one understand oneself and others better, work through a temporary challenge, and so much more. One frequently occurring topic of discussion that is sometimes connected to a diagnosable condition and other times not is gaslighting. 

Understanding Gaslighting: Recognizing the Signs

Seemingly, there is a lot more literature available on gaslighting these days than in the past. Why is this? Well, I think the definition of the term provides a lot of insight into the why. Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that seeks to make a person doubt their own perceptions, memories, or reality. What makes this form of manipulation especially challenging to identify is that victims often feel as though they are the ones with the issue while potentially never discovering the true reality of what’s happening. It’s important to note that gaslighting does not necessarily indicate a diagnosable mental health disorder, though it can be a symptom of some diagnoses. 

Gaslighting often involves a manipulator denying facts, lying, or presenting false information to confuse or destabilize the victim. A common example in the workplace might entail an employee being reprimanded by upper-level management for poor performance in the workplace associated with a specific task. When the employee speaks to the directives provided by their direct supervisor, the supervisor might continually deny having made a decision or giving specific instructions, leading the employee to question their memory or competence. Ultimately, the employee takes the blame and truly feels remorseful.

Gaslighting is also a common feature in many toxic relationships. Consider an abusive relationship where one individual makes every attempt to control another out of their own insecurities. They might call names, behave erratically, threaten safety, and otherwise to continue getting what they want. When called out, however, the perpetrator will frequently belittle their partner’s feelings, suggesting they are overreacting or being too sensitive, which can diminish the victim’s self-esteem. Again, the victim blames themself. 

Two mental health disorders most associated with gaslighting include narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and borderline personality disorder (BPD). Individuals with NPD may engage in gaslighting to maintain control over their environment and to avoid responsibility. For example, a person with NPD might manipulate a partner into believing they are responsible for the narcissist’s unhappiness, creating a sense of guilt and confusion. In the case of BPD, symptoms associated with emotional instability might lead them to distort reality or project their feelings onto others, causing those around them to doubt their own perceptions.

Healing From Gaslighting

Whether gaslighting stems from a diagnosable mental health condition or not, the consequences for the victim are similar. This behavior can lead to significant emotional distress and can be a form of emotional abuse. When addressing gaslighting, it’s important to utilize approaches most appropriate for victims as well as perpetrators. In my experience, I have worked with both. 

For victims of gaslighting, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) helps victims understand and reframe distorted thoughts and beliefs, empowering them to reclaim their sense of reality. Support groups provide the opportunity to connect with others who have experienced similar situations and can provide validation and support. Assertiveness training can help victims to express their feelings and needs more effectively, reinforcing their sense of worth and reality.

For perpetrators of gaslighting, engaging in individual therapy, particularly with a focus on understanding the underlying reasons for their behavior, can be crucial. Therapies such as Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) may be beneficial, especially for those with personality disorders (i.e., NPD & BDP). With communication skills training, learning healthy communication strategies can help perpetrators understand the impact of their words and behaviors on others. Working to develop empathy can also assist individuals in recognizing and addressing their harmful behaviors.

In both cases, fostering a safe, supportive environment is key to healing and change. This is especially poignant while working with couples and families. Here, the counselor serves as a facilitator who guides the conversation, ensuring that the dialogue is respectful and that each party has their voice heard without disruption. In more severe cases, potentially where safety is threatened, it is most appropriate to begin with each party individually to help them arrive at a better place personally before beginning their work collectively.