How to Use the 12 Traditions to Improve Your Relationship: Part 2

The 12 Traditions are to relationships as the 12 Steps are to sobriety.

In the previous installation of this column, we looked at how the first three of the 12 Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous can help strengthen relationships. Now, we'll look at the next three Traditions.

Tradition 4

Each member should be autonomous except in matters affecting the other person or the couple as a whole. We let go of being controlling or people-pleasing.

In early recovery, Nancy and I lived in West Hollywood and regularly attended a Monday night meeting at La Cienega Park in Beverly Hills.

When I drove, I went the "right" way, south, then west. When Nancy drove, she went the "wrong" way, west, then south. My route had less traffic, but she worried that our big Chevy Blazer might get sideswiped on the narrow streets I used. Her route had more traffic, and I often complained as we crawled along the wider, more congested streets she preferred.

We usually ended up arguing about whose route was better and arrived at the meeting frustrated and disconnected. But the truth was simple: no matter which way we went, south then west, or west then south, we still arrived at the meeting.

Autonomy means self-governing, and this Tradition suggests that you get to govern yourself unless your choices affect the other person or you as a couple. When that happens, clear boundaries in recovery can help. You may also return to Tradition two and use a group conscience, or to Tradition one and put the common welfare first.

That's exactly what we did: we agreed that the person driving gets to choose the route, and the passenger goes along for the ride without arguing, pouting, or sulking.

After that, we began arriving at the meeting feeling happier and more connected. Others noticed the shift and commented that we "looked different" or "looked good," asking what had changed. The answer was simple: we practiced the Traditions by letting go of the need to control.

Of course, the opposite can also be true. If a partner asks which movie you'd like to see or what kind of food you prefer, always responding with "whatever you want" can be a form of people-pleasing. When someone asks for your opinion, offering an honest, autonomous response can support your relationship.

Over time, not practicing this Tradition can lead to irritation, bickering, and distance. Practicing Tradition four can help: you can give up autonomy when a choice affects the other person or the relationship as a whole, and you can take responsibility for decisions when you're asked or when the choice affects only you.

Tradition 5

Each member of the couple has a primary purpose, to carry a message of love, tolerance, mercy, and compassion to each other and to themselves, especially when either person is suffering. We let go of being judgmental.

I remember Nancy coming home from work frustrated and exhausted, walking in the door, slamming it, throwing her stuff down, and sighing. There was a time when I felt offended by that, thinking, "How dare she bring that anger into my house?" Then I remembered that it was not "my house," but "our home."

I was blessed to learn this Tradition and to view Nancy's behavior as a manifestation of her suffering. Once I saw her suffering, I used this Tradition to guide my behavior. I could set judgment aside and bring love and tolerance to someone who was suffering.

What felt harder was learning to see my own less-than-ideal behavior as a form of suffering too, and to release self-judgment so I could bring love and tolerance to myself. A systematic review in Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy found that greater self-compassion relates to a lower likelihood of problem drinking.¹ One realization that helped was this: being compassionate toward others but not toward myself was not a truly compassionate stance.

It was also invaluable to learn to replace judgment, toward myself and others, with its opposite, mercy. Judgment comes from the head; mercy comes from the heart. Judgment wounds; mercy heals. Judgment separates; mercy connects. Judgment is touching pain with fear; mercy is touching pain with love.

This Tradition is my favorite, and I believe it has brought about the greatest change in my behavior and my relationships.

Tradition 6

The couple ought never let problems of money, property, or prestige divert them from their primary purpose. We let go of being materialistic and ego-driven.

Professionally, I am a hospice nurse and work bedside with dying patients and grieving families. I've done so for over a quarter century. I often get asked, and paid, to speak nationally to groups of others who do the same work. I enjoy speaking and I work well with others, so there was a time when I flew out of town to speak four to six times per month.

I tried to say it was about earning extra money when the opportunity arose, and it was, in part. But it was also about my ego and the prestige of being recognized as a national expert.

Each time I flew to a convention or gathering to speak, it took time away from Nancy. Over time, our relationship suffered. I didn't balance my choices, and my desire for more money, recognition, and prestige clouded my priorities.

There is nothing wrong with sharing your knowledge and tools, generating additional income, and enjoying others' recognition of your expertise. But those things can come after making time for your family, creating enough downtime to renew spiritually, emotionally, and physically, and choosing service rather than chasing money or prestige.

As soon as I practiced a more balanced and selective approach, I reduced my time away from home, enjoyed more time with Nancy, and found more humility and more chances to renew. Balance was the key for me.

If you're working on strengthening your recovery or your relationships, you can get support. Substance use conditions are treatable, and recovery is possible. You can connect with drug and alcohol treatment centers that support your needs, from holistic care to medication-assisted treatment. When you're ready, you can find a recovery program that fits your goals.