Take What You Need and Leave the Rest

At the heart of the most solid, long-term recovery is the act of surrendering.

Most people who succeed in recovery and avoid relapse come to understand that their familiar way of doing things isn’t working anymore.

To survive, they had to stop their lives, become humbled by their own misguided influences, and listen to those who have gone before them.

But ask a group of people who are successful in their recovery how they do it, and you’ll get answers as varied as they are. The motto, “take what you need and leave the rest,” is a familiar and well-loved saying among people who want flexibility and prefer to tailor their programs to fit their needs and lifestyle.

Anne S.: Finding Community Through Honesty

Anne S., 43, a chemical engineer by day, is the blogger behind ainsobriety, based in Northern Canada.

Reflecting on her moment of surrender, she said: “I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I felt like my soul was being crushed.”

Anne had many “day ones,” she explains, because she kept thinking she needed to get herself under control. But the compulsion to drink was too strong.

“The day I quit was the day my husband went to treatment,” she said. “I had to say out loud, ‘I needed to quit drinking too. It’s killing me.’”

Anne, the mother of two school-aged children, dove headfirst into the blogosphere and found other women like herself talking online about their struggles and successes in recovery.

Inspired by their words, and by her own much-improved life after a few weeks of sobriety, she decided to share what she was learning with others who were searching for help.

Anne’s own prescription for staying sober is varied. “I’m big on psychotherapy, yoga, and online support,” she said, noting that her blog helps her stay sober because it creates a community of readers.

Anne reads a lot of Alcoholics Anonymous literature, including The Woman’s Way Through the 12 Steps, and has attended AA meetings occasionally. “I get a lot more support online,” she said. “But my husband likes to attend meetings.”

“I had many, many ‘day ones’ because I kept thinking that I needed to get myself under control. But the compulsion to drink was too strong. The day I quit was the day my husband went to treatment. I had to say out loud, ‘I needed to quit (drinking) too. It’s killing me.’”

Anne, the mother of two school-aged children, dove headfirst into the blogosphere and found other women, much like herself, talking online, very openly about their own struggles with and successes over addiction. Inspired by their words and her much-improved life after a few weeks of sobriety, she decided to share what she was learning with others who were searching for help.

Anne’s own prescription for staying sober is assorted. “I’m big on psychotherapy, yoga, and online support,” she said, noting that her blog helps her stay sober because it creates a community of readers.

Anne reads a lot of AA literature, “The Woman’s Way Through the 12 Steps,” and has attended AA meetings occasionally. “I get a lot more support online. But my husband likes to attend meetings,” she said.

Kelly F.: Building a Program Over Time

Kelly F., 29, a blogger from Florida, writes sobersenorita.com. She shared that for a while into her sobriety, she didn’t have much of a program.

Instead, she spent a lot of time researching sobriety by reading blogs and websites such as The Fix, Sober Nation, and Veronica Valli.

“I tried AA online, but the reception was not that great,” she said of her early experience with virtual meetings. Kelly admits that in the beginning, she thought AA was cult-like. But since then, she has relaxed into the notion of a “higher power” and continues to attend a face-to-face 12-step study program.

To support her continued recovery, she is adamant about self-care. She says sleeping enough, eating well, and exercising are tied directly to how grounded she feels.

Like Anne, she also feels connected to her readers and hears from them five to ten times a week.

The Recovery Buffet: Take What You Need

Ultimately, there is no one “right” way to build a recovery program. It’s possible to go to the recovery buffet, take precisely what you need, and leave the rest.

Shelley J., 43, a professional in Denver, has been in recovery for over a year.

“I don’t let ‘perfect be the enemy of good’ when it comes to AA,” she said. “For example, I have a friend in AA who thinks that meetings held at recovery clubs are ‘less than’ meetings held in other places. I just smile, nod, and go to meetings as I see fit.”

Kerry C., 41, sober for 15 months, is a nurse and the mother of two.

“When I started out on this journey, I really thought that I had to do AA in order to have any recovery ‘cred,’” she said. “But I’ve listened to a bazillion recovery tapes and have found a ton of wisdom in the program. Not everything resonates, but that’s OK. I take what I need. Turns out I have a strong recovery by doing what works for me.”

Sarah J., 37, is the mother of three girls and a part-time hairstylist in Milwaukee.

New to recovery, Sarah feels her program is a work in progress. “I have to be confident in my willingness to learn and listen,” she said. “The hardest part for me is ‘leaving the rest’ because I’m trying to figure out just who I am as a sober person.”

Sarah feels that years of drinking and drugging have taken a toll, leaving her self-confidence shattered. “Learning this peaceful way does not come easily to me,” she said.

Recovery Isn’t One-Size-Fits-All

Recovery does not come in a one-size-fits-all package. There are no hard-and-fast rules for building a strong program, unless your situation is life and death. In that case, you need to bow to the prof

But even then, when your situation improves, you still have choices to make. Recovery takes time, some self-reflection, the ability to hear exactly what you need, and a sincere wish for a better life.

Anne S. said that when she was drinking, she wanted to be seen as sharp and intense, but sometimes wondered if she came across as blunt or even mean.

Now well into recovery, she echoed the same message that everyone interviewed for this piece said over and over: remaining open to helping yourself and others in a variety of ways is key.

Anne wrote to her readers: “The day I recognized that holding out a hand was much more powerful than pointing a finger, everything changed.”

Find Support

If you or someone you love is struggling, surrender can be the first step toward real change. Recovery isn’t one-size-fits-all, but the right support matters. Visit Recovery.com to explore trusted drug and alcohol treatment centers, compare options, and find a program that fits your needs. Help is available today.