Self-Sabotage: 9+ Signs, Causes, and How to Break the Cycle

When Should You Seek Help?

If self-sabotage is consistently interfering with your relationships, career, health, or mental wellbeing, it may be time to seek professional support. 

You don’t have to hit “rock bottom” to benefit from therapy, but if it’s leading you to struggle with things like low self-esteem, negative thoughts, self-doubt, low self-confidence, limiting beliefs, or with your mental health in general, it may be time to reach out.

Here are some signs that outside help could be beneficial:

• You feel stuck in repetitive patterns you can’t break
• You frequently regret your actions but don’t know how to change
• Your inner critic feels overwhelming or cruel
• Perfectionist behaviors are getting in the way of self-improvement or success
• You avoid opportunities you deeply want out of fear
• You feel anxious, depressed, or emotionally numb much of the time
• You’re struggling to connect with loved ones or in your romantic relationships⁴
• You feel unable to stop self-destructive or self-defeating behaviors
• Negative beliefs and emotions lead you to experience overthinking, limit your own success, or disengage in self-care

You don’t have to figure it all out alone. Healing is possible—and you deserve support along the way.

How to Break the Cycle

Self-sabotage is sticky because it’s often unconscious, but the good news is you can overcome self-sabotage. The key is learning to recognize it, approach it with compassion, and slowly replace it with more aligned behaviors.

Strategies To Help You Stop Self-Sabotaging:

• Build Awareness: Start by noticing your self-sabotaging patterns and doing some self-research. Take note: When do they tend to show up? What thoughts or feelings come with them? Journaling or working with a therapist can help make these patterns visible. Don’t be afraid to look up some books⁵ and resources on self-sabotage too!
• Identify the Underlying Belief: What fear or belief is underneath the behavior? (e.g., “If I try and fail, I’ll prove I’m not good enough.”) Naming this belief is a powerful step toward challenging it.
• Practice Self-Compassion: You’re not doing this to hurt yourself—you’re trying to protect yourself. Speak to yourself gently and have self-compassion.⁶ Ask: What do I need right now? Or What part of me is trying to help right now, even if it’s doing so in a harmful way?
• Set Small, Sustainable Goals: When fear or overwhelm kicks in, large goals can feel paralyzing. It can help to break things down and tackle them in your own way through creating SMART goals.⁷ Celebrate progress, not perfection.
• Work With a Professional: Psychotherapy can help uncover the roots of self-sabotage and create space for healing, especially if trauma or deep-seated self-worth issues are involved. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can also be helpful to aid you with reframing your self-sabotage thinking patterns.

Self-sabotage can feel like an invisible barrier between you and the life you want—but it isn’t permanent. These behaviors often start as coping tools and can be unlearned with patience, support, and self-awareness. When you start to notice what’s driving your actions and gently challenge the beliefs that no longer serve you, change becomes possible. You don’t need to have it all figured out. Growth happens when you take steady, honest steps toward the life you want—without punishing yourself along the way.

If you’re ready to stop getting in your own way, consider working with a trauma-informed therapist or treatment program that can help you understand the roots of self-sabotage—and build a healthier, more supportive path forward.

FAQs

Q: What mental disorder is self-sabotage?

A: Self-sabotage is not a mental disorder in itself, but it can be a symptom or behavior pattern associated with several mental health conditions. These include depression, anxiety disorders, borderline personality disorder (BPD), post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). It can also occur in individuals without a diagnosable condition, often as a learned coping strategy or result of unresolved emotional wounds.

Q: What is the meaning of self-sabotaging behavior?

A: Self-sabotaging behavior refers to actions (or inactions) that undermine your own success, well-being, or goals. These behaviors often emerge from unconscious fears, low self-esteem, or internalized beliefs that you’re unworthy of happiness or success. Even when the intention is to protect yourself from disappointment or failure, the result is usually increased frustration, regret, and emotional pain.

Q: How can therapy help with self-sabotaging behaviors?

A: Therapy helps by identifying the roots of self-sabotage—such as fear, trauma, or limiting beliefs—and providing tools to change those patterns. A therapist can help you increase self-awareness, challenge negative self-talk, and develop healthier coping strategies. In trauma-informed or cognitive-behavioral approaches, therapy also offers a safe space to build self-compassion and practice new ways of relating to yourself and your goals.

Q: Why do people engage in self-sabotaging behaviors?

A: People self-sabotage for a variety of reasons, most of which are rooted in fear, shame, or self-protection. Common motivations include:

• Fear of failure or success
• Low self-worth or imposter syndrome
• Desire to stay in control of outcomes
• Learned patterns from childhood or past trauma
• Difficulty tolerating positive emotions or vulnerability
  

Q: Can self-sabotage affect my relationships?

A: Yes, self-sabotaging behaviors can significantly impact relationships. This might look like pushing people away when things feel too close, codependency, testing boundaries, being overly critical, or avoiding conflict until it explodes. People may unconsciously sabotage healthy connections due to fears of rejection, abandonment, or being “too much.” Over time, these patterns can create instability, miscommunication, or emotional distance. There is help available for you and your loved ones. Family therapy may be a beneficial treatment option to explore.