Control Freak: How to Stop Trying to Change Your World and Change Yourself Instead

Everyone likes to feel in control of their lives. But for those who are addicted, the desire to exert control over outer situations–relationships, family rules, schedules and other daily interactions can sometimes become excessive.

If a person feels that they have lost control of themselves and their substance use, they often shift their sphere of control to other areas of their life. Feeling out of control increases anxiety, and becoming a “control freak” is one way an addict may attempt to reduce this anxiety. Exerting outward control may also be an attempt to manage other uncomfortable emotions, such as depression, low self-esteem or feelings of powerlessness.

Brain Biology vs. Behavior

Research suggests that people who misuse substances may be predisposed to do so because they have certain brain abnormalities that reduce their ability for impulse control. These abnormalities can cause a person to be less able to exert self-restraint when it comes to substance use.

Once addicted, areas of the brain involved in self-control may be further affected by abnormal surges of dopamine, which floods the areas of the brain where emotion and behavior is controlled. If attempts to control outward circumstances begin to regularly fail, someone who misuses substances may come to expect that all future attempts to exert control in their lives, including controlling their substance use, are likely to fail as well. This is known as learned helplessness.

Yet, we know that emotional regulation is possible, even when learned helplessness has taken hold. Emotional regulation starts with recognizing what is under our control and what is not, so that we do not unduly discourage ourselves by attempting to control people and situations that are not within our power to control in the first place. We can do this by:

• Taking responsibility for our thoughts and feelings.
• Regularly analyze how our thoughts and feelings shape our behaviors.
• Assessing for situations we can control.
• Making appropriate adjustments when needed.

Emotional Regulation: Learning to Control Yourself, Not Your World

Learning how to regulate your emotions involves several different stages – first, you direct your attention to the situation. Next, your brain assesses or appraises the situation. Lastly, you receive an automatic emotional response that determines your behavior.

Typically, that automatic emotional response is most likely a pre-programmed, subconscious reaction, which can be skewed toward the negative. However, by consciously changing that automatic response cycle, we can decide to see it from a more positive viewpoint and make a more positive behavioral choice.

Consider some of the following proven strategies for encouraging the development of emotional regulation within yourself:

• Modify the Situation. If a situation is causing you emotional distress, change it. For example, if someone is speaking to you and you find yourself becoming uncomfortable, discontinue the conversation and move to a new location. Then, without duress, you can better assess the situation and decide if it is appropriate for you to resume the interaction or not.
• Distract Yourself. If your attention is stuck on one or more things that is causing you emotional overwhelm, intentionally divert your attention and think about something less stressful. Allow your mind to settle, so when you go back to the issue, you may be better able to look at it with less emotion and more logic, allowing for a productive solution.
• Put it Out of Your Mind. Sometimes, you don’t just need to put an issue or problem aside, but you need to put it out of your mind altogether. Create a pre-determined positive “replacement thought” that you can use each time you need to replace a worry or distressing thought.  Having a replacement thought ready and waiting can be helpful, as can using the same replacement thought consistently every time. The consistency makes the switch easier to facilitate.
• Re-Appraise or Re-Frame. When we reframe a situation, we simply look at it from a different viewpoint. In truth, the glass is both half empty and half full. We get to decide which way we choose to describe it, and in that choice lies our emotional response to a given situation. Circumstances and situations, in reality, are emotion-neutral. It is our evaluation or appraisal of them that determines how we feel about them. So if you want to feel better, more positive or more hopeful, try taking the glass half full approach.

Get Help Today

If you or someone you love is struggling with a substance use disorder and/or a mental health condition, issues like emotional regulation can be a constant. Getting help as soon as possible affords you the opportunity to turn your life around.

To take that first step and reach out for help, check out our free online rehab locator tool. Here, you can browse facilities, programs, and therapies across the nation that can help in you or a loved one's recovery.