An In-Depth Look at Steps 6 and 7

Last month, we explored the debate around whether Steps 8 and 9 include making amends to oneself. For those who supported that idea, we discussed examples of Step 8 inventory and offered mirror-based approaches for Step 9.

Stepping back from there, Steps 6 and 7 carry their own controversy. The Big Book dedicates only a brief paragraph to each (both tucked away on page 76), which leaves room for interpretation. Some people feel these steps call for written work, while others believe they simply ask us to request the removal of our character defects.

I tend to think either approach can be useful, depending on an individual’s understanding of and relationship with their Higher Power.

My worksheet is built on the idea that an amends is different from an apology. If they were the same, the Bill of Rights would be called “the first ten apologies to the Constitution.” It isn’t—it’s “the first ten amendments to the Constitution,” a word that means to improve or change for the better.

The Vehicle for Change Is in the Work

I believe that for a 9th Step amends to carry real depth and meaning, we need to show up differently—better—than we did in the past with the person we’re approaching. The work of Steps 6 and 7 is what drives that change.

Many people finish their 5th Step, kneel with their sponsor, say the 7th Step Prayer, and immediately move on to Step 8. For me, that approach falls short. I haven’t changed yet, and I don’t believe in an intervening God who reaches down and removes my character defects on command.

My God is a co-journeyer, a co-sufferer, but does not intervene. That seems to work for me, given my childhood incest and torture, and other history.

Once, upon hearing a speaker say, “Wow, I was running late, and God gave me a parking space right in front,” I remember thinking, “Oh, so that’s why God never rescued me from my daily rape as a child. He was out in L.A. looking for parking spaces for tardy AAs.”

My God also doesn’t do for me what I can do for myself, and certainly doesn’t cultivate laziness. Your understanding may differ, so you’ll need to decide whether deeper work around Steps 6 and 7 feels necessary or helpful for you.

I do this work because I need to change—to improve—before making amends to myself (the person I harmed most frequently and profoundly) and to others. Doing so prepares me to be more useful to my Higher Power and my community. Does that make sense?

It also helps to remember that character is defined by behavior. That means character defects are behaviors, not feelings. Feelings are human and God-given; we don’t get to choose them.

Isn’t it great when someone says, “Don’t feel guilty,” “Don’t feel angry,” or “Don’t feel sad”? If I could turn off feelings that easily, I probably would have never picked up a drink in the first place.

What we can choose is how we respond to those feelings.

• In the face of fear, we can choose cowardice or courage.
• In the face of anger, we can choose vengeance or forgiveness.
• In the face of loneliness, we can choose isolation or connection.

In these examples, the character defects are cowardly, vengeful, and isolating—not fear, anger, or loneliness. Does that distinction make sense?

There are a couple of intentional pause points in this process. These are places to slow down and check your work with your sponsor, even though they aren’t explicitly marked on the worksheet.

Once you’ve created your list of character defects, pause and review it with your sponsor. This helps ensure that each item is truly a behavior and not a feeling. It also gives you a chance to eliminate duplicates. For example, “punishing,” “vindictive,” and “vengeful” are probably one defect stated three different ways.

The next pause comes after you’ve identified antonyms (or opposite behaviors) for each defect. Before you define these opposites, review the list with your sponsor to make sure that the opposites are 12-Step appropriate.

Sometimes a dictionary antonym won’t apply to spiritual or behavioral growth. For example, if the defect is manipulative, a dictionary might list stationary as the opposite because of a physical definition of “manipulate.” Obviously, that doesn’t fit our context. Together, you and your sponsor can choose a more meaningful opposite, such as accepting or non-meddlesome.

Once this work is finished, I usually ask my sponsees to pick one character defect/asset card each day. Throughout that day, they watch for the defect showing up in their behavior and consciously replace it with the asset. This builds awareness and reinforces new habits.

Only after they’ve gone through the entire deck twice do we move forward to Steps 8 and 9. And even then, only if they genuinely feel that their character, their behavior, has been amended—changed for the better. Approaching amends from this place allows their Step 9 work, both to themselves and to others, to carry depth and weight.

The 6th and 7th Step Workshop Worksheet

By G. Jay Westbrook, M.S., R.N.

Read:

• Big Book: First two paragraphs on page 76
• Twelve & Twelve: Step 6 and Step 7

Write:

A) List your defects of character (or survival skills)

B) Using a good dictionary, define each of your defects of character (or survival skills)

C) Using a good dictionary (or an antonym dictionary), list and define the opposite (antonym) of each of your defects of character

D) After reviewing the A-C with your sponsor, answer the 6 questions below, for each defect/survival skill:

1. The defect of character or survival skill is: ______________________________
2. Two (2) examples of this defect/survival skill in action in my life recently are:
   (If you cannot think of two recent examples, the defect is apparently not defining your character, and should come off the list.)
3. How does this defect/survival skill harm you and keep you from being in recovery?
4. How does it affect others adversely and block intimacy?
5. Are you ready to have your Higher Power remove this defect & learn to live without it by accepting that your Higher Power has already given you the ability to choose to replace the defect with its opposite (e.g., replacing greed with generosity), and then doing so?
6. If not, what are you gaining by holding on to it?
   After going over the above with your sponsor, make a set of “3 X 5” index cards, and on each card, place one defect on the front and its opposite on the back. Then each day look at both sides of ONE card, and for that day consciously look for that defect in your thinking, attitude, and behavior, and strive to replace that defect with its opposite.

That’s it. Simple, straightforward, powerful, and, I hope, useful. Let me know your experience with this.

If you’re feeling stuck or simply want to strengthen your recovery, remember help is available. Recovery.com can help you find treatment options and supportive resources designed to keep you grounded, connected, and moving forward.