What to Say (and Not Say) After Suicide: 12 Ways to Support Grieving Loved Ones With Compassion

3. The Damage of Invasive Questions

Deb also faced probing, hurtful questions from another physician, who asked why she still wore her wedding ring or how she could have missed “the signs.”

As Deb reflected:

He said, “How could you not have seen it coming?” and I thought, how is this even possible that somebody’s asking me that question? I get the question, but why are you asking me that? What does it have to do with how you’re going to treat me as a patient? But why would you ask that?

These remarks, while perhaps rooted in curiosity, only deepened her pain. Terry reminded listeners that compassion means restraint — not every question needs to be voiced.

Grieving people are not case studies or mysteries to be solved. They are humans who deserve gentleness, not interrogation.

4. When “Helping” Hurts

Even professionals trained in mental health can unintentionally cause harm. Deb described one devastating experience in a partial hospitalization program when a therapist asked her to recount the moment she discovered her husband’s body.

As Deb recalled:

I just ran out of the room in tears. She really changed my life — and not for the better. Because I struggled with PTSD after finding him… but after that question, I no longer just went to that mellow scene that I saw when I first walked in. I now went straight to everything unimaginable that you don’t ever want to see.

Terry responded with deep empathy, noting how retraumatizing such questions can be. This story underscores the importance of sensitivity and timing in therapy — pushing someone to relive trauma prematurely can make healing harder, not easier.

5. Why Strength Is Often Misread

As a TV journalist and anchor, Deb was accustomed to appearing calm under pressure. That professional composure became a mask — one that led others to assume she was fine when she wasn’t.

As Deb explained:

When you work in news and you’re on camera, you learn to put your own stuff on the back burner and just come across like everything is okay because that’s what you have to do. So I think people felt like they could say these things to me and I would be okay with them. And it’s sort of like, no — just because my face is saying I’m okay doesn’t mean I am.

Her words remind us that outward strength can be deceiving. The people who appear “strong” may be those who most need gentle understanding and quiet support.

6. The Hidden Cost of Careless Comments

Perhaps the most heart-wrenching part of Deb’s story comes from friends and acquaintances whose words cut deep.

As Deb shared:

One of our closest friends — a 30-year friendship — said, “I’m really sorry I ever considered Bob a friend. He took the easy way out.” And I thought, okay, I get that you’re feeling the loss, too. But how do you think that helps? Tell your spouse that, tell somebody at work that, but why would you say that to me?

Other remarks were equally cruel — comments like “I guess you didn’t have the kind of relationship you thought you did” or “Too bad he’s going to hell.”

Terry summarized the impact perfectly: If those comments sound shocking to hear, imagine their effect on someone living through fresh grief.

This section of the episode highlights the need to think before speaking, especially in moments when words can either add pain or offer peace.

7. What To Say Instead

So, what should we say to someone who has lost a loved one to suicide?

Sometimes, the simplest words are enough.

As Deb noted:

You want to be able to say more than “I’m sorry for your loss,” but honestly, what more can you say?

If you want to help, be specific about what you can do instead of asking open-ended questions like “What do you need?” Deb shared her sister’s wisdom, learned from years in hospice care:

As Deb recounted:

She said instead of asking “What can I do?” say, “Can I come over on Tuesday with dinner and then help you with the laundry?” Instead of “What do you want me to do?” say, “How about I do this?”

These offers communicate genuine care and take the burden off the grieving person to delegate or organize help.

8. Sharing Memories Can Heal

One of the most beautiful gestures Deb received came from a colleague who organized a memory booklet — a collection of written stories and reflections about her late husband.

As Deb described:

I’ve got this wonderful kind of memory booklet… Some of the memories I didn’t know about, stories I’d never heard before. It’s helpful — it’s not just words in my head, but something I can reread whenever I need to.

Sharing memories reminds survivors that their loved one’s life mattered. You can do this by:

• Writing a personal note about how their loved one impacted you
• Sharing a photo and the story behind it
• Including a funny or meaningful memory in a card
• Helping organize a collective memory project with family and friends

As Deb beautifully put it:

Who wouldn’t want to hear that their loved one made a difference — not just in your life, but in mine?

9. The Power of Sensitivity and Self-Awareness

In one of the episode’s most memorable reflections, Bridget McGuire offered a simple, timeless framework for choosing words wisely.

As Bridget advised:

Before you speak, ask yourself three things: Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind? If it’s not at least two of those three — don’t say it.

She also echoed the wisdom passed down from her mother: “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

These reminders are especially vital when supporting someone who is grieving a suicide loss. Empathy requires restraint. Sometimes silence, presence, or a gentle hug says more than any words could.

10. Finding Safe Spaces to Heal

After enduring countless insensitive encounters, Deb eventually found solace in a suicide loss support group.

As Terry shared, those spaces offer something few others can — understanding without judgment. Within the group, questions aren’t driven by morbid curiosity; they arise from shared experience.

Deb found it “the most helpful thing” in her healing journey. For those who feel isolated in grief, support groups can offer the validation and companionship that the outside world may not provide.

Bridget also encouraged listeners to trust their instincts when seeking professional help:

If a therapist doesn’t feel right, don’t go back. There are other people to try… Don’t stay with somebody who doesn’t resonate as healthy and helpful.

Finding the right fit — whether in therapy or a group — is a vital step toward recovery and peace.

11. Forgiveness and the Long Road to Peace

Grieving a suicide often means confronting endless, unanswerable questions. Survivors replay events and decisions, wondering what they missed or could have changed.

As Deb reflected with honesty and grace:

You have to forgive yourself and go, “I would’ve done whatever I could’ve done for the rest of my life for you, but I don’t have that choice anymore.”

Her words are both heartbreaking and freeing. Healing doesn’t erase pain, but it does mean accepting that love and loss can coexist — and that self-forgiveness is part of survival.

12. Choosing Words That Heal

By the end of the conversation, Terry and Bridget expressed deep gratitude for Deb’s courage in sharing her story — a story that helps others learn how to show up with compassion instead of fear.

This episode leaves listeners with a powerful truth: our words matter more than we realize. They can isolate or comfort, shame or support, harm or heal.

The next time we speak to someone grieving a suicide loss, may we pause, breathe, and choose language that carries kindness instead of judgment. Because sometimes, that small act of awareness can make all the difference.