Holiday Grief & Depression: 11 Ways to Set Boundaries, Ease Expectations, and Protect Your Peace

This article summarizes a conversation from the Giving Voice to Depression podcast, hosted by Terry McGuire, featuring grief expert Krista St-Germain and co-host Dr. Anita Sanz. Together, they explore why the holiday season can be especially painful when you’re grieving, depressed, or both — and how to navigate this time with honesty, boundaries, and self-compassion.

Rather than insisting this is the “happiest season of all,” the conversation gently acknowledges the truth: for countless people, holidays magnify loss, loneliness, pressure, and emotional exhaustion. What follows is a longform list-style guide built from their discussion, offering practical shifts, grounding strategies, and compassionate perspectives to help you move through the season at your own pace.

1. How Grief Differs from Depression

Krista begins by explaining that grief and depression often look similar: sadness, withdrawal, lack of focus, and physical symptoms can show up in both experiences. But the underlying nature of each tends to be different.

Depression often casts a wide net, coloring someone’s entire outlook on life. Grief, on the other hand, tends to be more targeted — tied to a specific loss and the ripple effects of that change.

As Krista clarified:

Grief can look a lot like depression in that we’re feeling sad, struggling to concentrate, maybe wanting to withdraw. But depression is more broad, about things in general, whereas grief is very specific to the loss and the effects of the loss.

She emphasizes the importance of seeking professional guidance when trying to discern between the two. Still, confusion and overlap are common, especially during the emotionally charged holiday season.

2. Grief Is More Than Death

Most people equate grief with losing a loved one, but grief shows up in countless forms — many of which society barely acknowledges. Terry notes that depression itself can create grief over the life you expected to live, the energy you once had, or the version of yourself you miss.

Loss might look like:

• A diagnosis
• A shift in identity
• A lost opportunity
• Years spent unwell or unsupported
• A partner’s or child’s chronic illness

Krista expands this understanding compassionately. As she explained:

Grief, if we’re using a more appropriate definition, is just a natural human response to a perceived loss. And a perceived loss can be so many things beyond death — what you missed because you didn’t know you had depression, or the quality of life you lost before getting help.

Dr. Sanz later adds that we grieve hopes, dreams, possibilities, and imagined futures. The emotional energy required to process these losses is just as real as mourning a person.

3. Why Holidays Intensify Pain

Holiday traditions, rituals, and expectations shine a bright light on whatever feels missing. Commercials and movies present polished images of harmonious families, glowing gatherings, and effortless joy — creating painful contrast for people whose realities look nothing like that.

The holidays often amplify:

• An empty chair at the table
• A relationship that’s changed
• A tradition you can’t participate in
• A longing for a version of life that feels out of reach

Terry notes how unrealistic cultural images contribute to emotional distress. As she observed:

When that spotlight is on family and that picture of the family — and one of those seats is empty — it’s magnified.

Rituals once comforting can suddenly feel like reminders of everything that has changed. Naming this dynamic helps you understand why certain traditions feel heavier now.

4. Redefine Your Holiday Traditions

One of Krista’s most grounding reminders is this: You do not have to keep doing the holidays the same way you always have.

You are allowed to pause, rethink, and redesign the season in ways that better match your emotional capacity this year.

Ask yourself:

• What feels supportive right now?
• What feels draining, heavy, or too painful?
• Which rituals still help me feel grounded?
• Which ones feel more like obligation than care?

As Krista encouraged:

Just because it’s always been the way it’s always been doesn’t mean it has to be that way if that’s not what feels good and supportive to you. You don’t have to do the same traditions or say yes to the things you really don’t want to do.

Redefining traditions might look like:

• Staying home instead of traveling
• Opting for a quiet day instead of a large celebration
• Shortening or simplifying gatherings
• Creating brand-new rituals that honor your current needs

Giving yourself permission to rewrite the holidays is an act of self-protection, not selfishness.

5. Communicate Your Needs Clearly

People often assume they know what someone grieving wants — and they’re often wrong. Loved ones may try to cheer you up, distract you, or recreate “normal” in ways that don’t match your needs at all.

That’s why clear communication matters so much. Otherwise, people may unintentionally do the exact opposite of what you need.

As Krista explained:

Whatever it is we want, we kind of have to communicate it, or we’re probably not going to get it. People might think we want fanfare when we want quiet, or think we want to be left alone when we actually want to be with people.

Communicating needs might sound like:

• “I need a very quiet holiday this year.”
• “I don’t want to talk about the loss during dinner, but I do want time to talk later.”
• “I can join for an hour, but not for the full event.”

People may still misunderstand or push back. But communicating clearly gives you a far better chance of having your needs met.

6. Expect Some Holiday Disappointment

If you set boundaries or change traditions, someone might be disappointed — a parent, partner, sibling, or friend. That discomfort is normal. It doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong.

Krista shares a liberating reframe many people need to hear. As she reflected:

It helps me to think about it like this: somebody’s probably going to be disappointed here. Do I want it to be me because I said yes to something I don’t want to do, or do I want it to be them? If somebody’s going to be disappointed, I’d rather it not be me.

Healthy boundaries often feel uncomfortable at first. That discomfort doesn’t mean you’re being selfish — it means you’re doing something new.

7. Honor Different Grieving Styles

Even within the same household, two people may grieve differently. One may want to talk openly about the loss; another may avoid talking altogether. One may find comfort in keeping traditions; another may feel those traditions are too painful to continue.

Neither is wrong — they’re simply different.

Krista describes the importance of respecting stated preferences while also getting your needs met through other connections. That might mean talking with a friend, therapist, or support group instead of relying solely on family.

Clear communication creates room for a range of emotional experiences under one roof.

8. Challenge Holiday “Should” Thinking

“Should” thinking is one of the fastest ways to intensify holiday distress.

Common examples include:

• I should be over this by now.
• I shouldn’t feel this sad during the holidays.
• I should go to every event.
• I should be able to put my grief aside.

As Krista explained:

When we go into the holidays thinking we should do it in particular ways or we should feel particular emotions or we shouldn’t feel other emotions, we’re kind of setting ourselves up for failure from the beginning. “Should” thoughts never feel very good anyway.

Letting go of “shoulds” allows you to meet your experience with more compassion and less shame.

9. Reduce Dread Before Events

Another subtle but powerful emotional pattern Krista highlights is “pre-feeling” — mentally rehearsing how awful an upcoming event will feel long before it arrives. This can make the anticipation far more painful than the event itself.

Many people do this because they’ve never been taught how to feel their feelings safely. Avoidance feels like the only option.

But learning emotional skills can dial down dread. If you trust that you can feel a feeling without being destroyed by it, you become less afraid of what’s coming.

Krista normalizes this, noting that dread often stems from self-doubt, not inevitability.

10. Use NOW to Feel Emotions

To help people better navigate overwhelming emotions, Krista shares her simple, powerful NOW method — a way to feel feelings instead of bracing against them.

She explains:

NOW is “Name, Open, Witness.” You name the emotion — this is sadness, this is anger. Then you open to it, breathing instead of recoiling. And then you witness it in your body, noticing what it feels like so you could describe it to someone who’s never felt it before.

Here’s how the practice unfolds:

• Name the feeling clearly
• Open to it with a slow, gentle breath
• Witness the physical sensations with curiosity

This method turns emotions from threats into experiences — sensations that move through the body instead of overwhelming it. Terry shares that EFT tapping also helps her process emotional waves, and Krista agrees.

Feeling feelings is a skill, not a personality trait — and it can be learned at any age.

11. Set Boundaries and Allow Reactions

In the final section of the episode, Terry and Dr. Sanz discuss how painful it can be when others expect you to “perform” normalcy for their comfort. Requests like “Can’t you just put it aside for tonight?” can feel invalidating or even offensive.

Terry names what many people feel:

I’m sorry, you want me to behave how? You want me to perform so that you’re comfortable?

Dr. Sanz stresses that most people simply don’t understand grief or depression because we’re not a grief-educated society. That’s why boundaries are essential: they protect your energy in a world that often misunderstands it.

She offers a powerful boundary-setting perspective. As she suggests:

It can help to frame it like this: you give people permission to be disappointed. You’re allowed to be upset, you’re allowed to be disappointed. I’m not going to try to control what you think or feel, and by not trying to prevent it, I have more power to set a healthy boundary.

Allowing others their feelings doesn’t mean you agree with them. It means you no longer carry the responsibility of making everyone comfortable at your own expense.

Final Thoughts

This conversation on the Giving Voice to Depression podcast doesn’t pretend that grief or depression can be neatly solved — especially during the holidays. Instead, it offers something far more realistic and compassionate:

• Room to redefine how you show up this season
• Tools to feel feelings instead of fearing them
• Language to communicate your needs
• Permission to set boundaries, even when others don’t fully understand

If the holidays feel heavy, you are not failing at them. You are human — carrying real pain through a season that demands perfection.

You deserve gentleness, space, and support. And you’re allowed to move through the season in the way that feels most honest and healing for you.