Turning PTSD into PTGO: Rena Shoshana Forester

Leading Up to the Accident 

Amidst intense culture shock in Vietnam, I sought out joy, meaning, nourishment, and connection.

Hanoi Rooftop Yoga classes, taught by my dear friend Katie, became a source of peace, while bullet journaling helped me ground myself amid the chaos.  I looked forward to “Sunday Funday” outings, and perhaps most profoundly, I found a sense of belonging at Friday night services at the Chabad Center, a hub for the Jewish community in Hanoi.

Shabbat, the Jewish Sabbath, begins with sunset on Friday, which arrives early in the winter.  One Friday, I felt a particular frustration: if I waited until 5 p.m. to clock out of work, as was the strict policy of the company I worked for, I’d be late for services at Chabad.  I did choose to wait, clocking out right at 5 p.m. before jumping on my motorcycle.  I sped through the city, eager to make it to Chabad as fast as I could, feeling a mix of stress and pride as I navigated Hanoi’s chaotic streets.

Before I get into the specifics of the accident, it’s important you know that recently (in November 2023) I went back to the scene of the accident in Hanoi, Vietnam.  To my surprise and relief, today there are dividers in the road and traffic lights that were nonexistent when I lived in Hanoi, from 2016-17.  If they had been there 7 years ago I probably never would have had the accident.

Recalling the Accident 

There I was, driving my motorbike through the crowded streets of Hanoi.  I sped up with excitement upon reaching the final main road before my destination.

I had forgotten that off of that main road is a local market.  I was not expecting another motorcycle to be in the middle of the road.  The driver was a local bread seller waiting to turn left to get to the market.  

I drove right into him, going at least 40 km/hr.  It was very scary.  I fell over, and my right wrist stopped my fall but my heavy motorcycle did fall on top of my legs and I blacked out for a moment.  His French baguettes flew all over the road, but he and his motorcycle seemed fine.

I opened my eyes and saw a Vietnamese man in a suit who happened to speak English – a rare find.  He picked the bike up off me and moved it to the shoulder. I followed him. The sea of motorbikes that had gathered behind the scene of the accident sped up and started  flowing again. 

He asked me, “Are you able to get back on the bike and go home?” 

I looked down at my ripped clothes, bloodied skin, and damaged bike.  I wasn’t sure how to respond to his question.

“Count your blessings,” he said to me.

I got back on my bike and drove to Chabad, traumatized yet determined to arrive at my intended destination. Remember I am very determined.

I was met with terrified looks when I walked into Chabad.  

Thankfully, the Rabbi’s wife, a dear friend, brought me to the kitchen where some local women were working, and together they all cleaned my cuts, bandaged my wounds, and helped me hold ice all over my body. 

I sat down for dinner and tried to carry on as if all was normal.

Living with Unconscious PTSD for 7 Years: The Positives and Transition into the Healing

Arguably, I did a pretty good job trying to carry on as if all was  normal for the seven years that followed;

my near-death motorcycle accident buried in my unconscious mind. 

I would later find out that this accident led to depression, hormonal imbalances, orthorexia, a herniated disc, and PTSD.

In those seven years, I moved to Israel, landed a dream job teaching mindfulness and yoga at a school, and left the big city to live closer to nature.  I bought my own car, found love, and rekindled a childhood passion for swimming.  Through regular Yoga and meditation, I was able to connect with myself on a deeper level, and I found satisfaction in creating routines that nourished me, like fermenting my own foods.

Additionally, in those seven years, I completed multiple professional certifications that equipped me with tools to support my own healing, first and foremost, including:

• Teaching Multi-Style Yoga – Siddhi Yoga, India
• Teaching Character and Creating Positive Classrooms – Relay Grad School of Education
• Teaching Kids & Family Yoga – Kidding Around Yoga in Israel & Rainbow Yoga in Greece
• The Science of Wellbeing – Yale University
• Teaching Trauma-Informed Yoga – Off the Mat, Into the World
• Integrative Nutrition Health Coaching – Institute for Integrative Nutrition
• and more

I heard regularly from people that I inspired them.  But deep down, I was suffering from dis-ease.  I write it like this because it was literally the opposite of feeling easeful,unaware that PTSD from the near-death motorcycle accident was at the root.

The dis-eases that I faced in those seven years include:

• Depression
• Orthorexia
• PCOS
• Herniated Disc

And the love I’d found turned abusive and ended in divorce. 

This is the story of how I healed, holistically, from these dis-eases, from an abusive relationship, and from PTSD.

The Experience of Depression

The first thing to surface was the Depression.

Despite having watched my Grandma suffer from Depression for my entire childhood, I failed to recognize that’s what I was experiencing when it first came on. 

I was working with a psychologist at the time, and I left a session with a very peculiar, acute, debilitating stomach pain.  

After resting on a bench, I worked up the strength to get home, but the stomach ache stayed with me until I returned to the psychologist the following week.   

I started off our session by casually mentioning that all week, I’d had a weird and semi-debilitating stomach ache.  

The psychologist invited me to lie on her table and practice some kind of mind-body exercise.  I agreed.  I still have no idea what she did, and it’s hard for me to articulate it.  The point is that by the end of the exercise, the psychologist recommended that I start taking antidepressants.  Only later did I learn that it was out of her scope of practice to make such a recommendation.

After having watched my Grandma suffer from Depression for my entire childhood and find no relief in the medication she regularly took, I did not believe taking antidepressants would magically make me feel better, certainly not sustainably.

I recalled why I initially became a Yoga teacher: I understood that Yoga is a scientific method that has the potential for profound healing, including relief from Depression.

I scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist as a symbol of responsibility, but it would be a number of months until my scheduled psychiatric appointment.

The Healing of Depression

In the time I waited to see the psychiatrist, I recommitted to my yoga practice, doubling down on all the tools and resources I had access to.  I prioritized getting 8–10 hours of sleep each night, spending time in nature and sunshine immediately upon waking, and maintaining a routine of writing, meditating, and practicing Yoga asana.  I incorporated Pranayama (breathing exercises) and made a point to listen to my body’s hunger cues, eating whenever I felt hungry, and embracing these practices as a foundation for healing.

Additionally, I made a practice of getting to know the stomach pain, understanding it as a physical manifestation of Depression for me.

I used a technique called “Focusing” to support me in building a relationship with the stomach pain; I learned to listen to what this sensation came to teach me. 

I understood that the stomach pain and Depression had come in an attempt to protect me.

Though it was a poor attempt at protection, with this understanding, I was then able to cultivate gratitude for my body’s desire to protect me.

This gratitude allowed me to laugh at the ridiculousness of my body’s poor attempt at protection.

As I continued my practice of relating to the stomach pain, I became a bit overwhelmed by how frequently my body felt the need to protect me in such a way.

I recall one day walking into the school where I was teaching Mindfulness & Yoga.  As I crossed the road, I felt the Depression-stomach-ache.  

I rubbed my hands together to create warmth, placed them on my stomach, and said something along the lines of, “Hi Depression.  I know you’ve come in an attempt to protect me, thank you for that.  But I am safe now.  You can leave! Bye, thank you for coming, please don’t come again!”  I felt relief.

Time passed and I finally met with the psychiatrist.  Our 20 minute session turned into a full hour of her listening to me attentively.  

In the end,  she confirmed that I could carry on with all I was doing and did not need to add antidepressants to my toolbox.  This was in the winter of 2020, and thank God  I have not needed to consider taking antidepressants since.

Orthorexia

With Depression now under control, I started seeing my unhealthy eating patterns more clearly.

I was determined to eat healthy foods, but was so confused about what “healthy” actually meant for me.  With so much conflicting information about healthy nutrition, I didn’t know where to start learning.

I unconsciously built a habit of starving myself, believing it was healthier to starve than to eat something, “unhealthy.”

I remember the moment I realized it was a problem.

I came home to the house I shared with my then-boyfriend, starving.  There was no food readily prepared.  I threw a fit.

He wanted to help me and sincerely asked, “Babe, I don’t understand.  If you were so hungry, why didn’t you stop at a gas station and eat something?”

His words moved something in me; I understood that I chose to starve.

But I wasn’t yet ready to take full responsibility for my decision or commit to doing better next time.  So, instead, I got defensive. 

“The food there isn’t healthy enough,” I replied.

“And do you think THIS is healthier?!” he questioned me.

Of course, I didn’t, but I was stuck. 

Thankfully, in the winter of 2021, I found the Institute for Integrative Nutrition (IIN) and enrolled in their Health Coach Training Program first and foremost to finally learn, in-depthly, what “healthy” means for me.

While studying, I learned about Orthorexia, a form of disordered eating that is no stranger to folks like me who over-emphasize being “healthy” to the point that it’s no longer healthy. 

Thankfully, IIN’s straightforward approach to healthy nourishment taught me that a healthy lifestyle is just as important as healthy food.  I learned about the components of a healthy meal and how to choose healthy proteins, fats, and carbohydrates.  Additionally, I understood that eating healthily requires building a number of new habits, such as where to buy produce, meal prepping, and trying new foods.

By the time I graduated in 2022, I understood, with confidence, what “healthy” means for me and had already established a number of new healthy habits that I have maintained to this day, years later.

Of course, maintaining a practice of “healthy” nourishment is a practice for life, and I appreciate the opportunity to be on the journey.

PCOS

I intuitively knew something was off with my hormones.  I also intuitively knew there was a link between mental health, nutrition, and hormones.  But it took years to get to the root of what I was experiencing.

Before we dive in, it’s important you know that I took hormonal birth control (HBC) from age 15-26 per the suggestion of my American OB-GYN due to irregular cycles.  For the first ten years I took HBC pills.  For the 11th year, I switched to the Mirena IUD, a few months before moving to Vietnam.

In Vietnam, I experienced multiple ovarian cysts and, with the advice of multiple doctors, ultimately chose to remove the IUD and remain hormone-free.

When the IUD was removed, I instantly felt as if a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.

But as time went on, I became aware of numerous abnormal symptoms, including hair loss, very long cycles, and extreme mood swings.  In this time, I finished my job in Vietnam, studied Yoga in India, and moved to Israel.

Once in Israel, I saw multiple doctors who ran various tests.  Though there were some mildly concerning results from the tests, generally, the doctors seemed to agree that because I looked fit and practiced Yoga, I was probably fine.  I felt anything but.

I took matters into my own hands and started learning about hormonal imbalances and holistic, natural healing.

In the Fall of 2020, I was diagnosed with Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), which was actually a huge relief for me!! Not only did I feel validated by the doctor who finally acknowledged all of the discomfort I’d been experiencing was real, but I could now fine-tune my research.

Conventional medicine recommends HBC to treat PCOS.  By this point, I understood that HBC is just a band aid solution, and arguably part of the reason I had developed PCOS in the first place.

I dove in deep, soaking up all the info I could get my hands on related to hormonal and womb healing.  I attended workshops, listened to podcasts, read books, and scoured the internet for any information about healing PCOS.

Ultimately, I adjusted my exercise, sleep habits, and eating habits to support healthy hormonal functioning.  I also consciously worked to reduce stress in my life. 

I learned to track ovulation scientifically and monitor exactly where I was at in my cycle so that my hormonal cycles could become a compass for my life.

I also established full trust in my body’s wisdom.

In the Summer of 2023, an OBGYN was shocked by my progress and stated that I no longer need to be concerned about my PCOS.

Though maintaining optimal hormonal functioning is a practice for life, and I still sometimes experience discomfort connected to my hormonal cycles, I am able to manage these symptoms and still function. 

Abusive Marriage

I mentioned that one of my accomplishments while living with unconscious PTSD was finding love. I met a charming man and we had a four-year relationship filled with a lot of love and also mutual unconscious traumas.

[Before I dive into this bit of my story, it’s important you know that today, two years post divorce, my former husband and I have a mutually-supportive and peaceful relationship that we are both committed to preserving.]

As men’s behavior is generally more outward, my former husband’s abuse was clear to see.

The final straw was NOT when I was sick with COVID, and he left me alone, without food, for multiple days, but rather, when I said something to him about his behavior and he screamed at me in defense for 24 hours.  

When I understood that I no longer felt safe amidst such behavior, I moved into a sublease.

Only then was I able to start seeing and accepting the role that I played in our cycle of abuse.

What I now understand is that my unconscious trauma reached a point where it was running my life.  I attracted a partner who also had serious traumas.  Lacking the appropriate resources and tools to navigate this dynamic, we watched it explode before our eyes.

The decision to end my marriage is the most painful choice I’ve made to date, but continuing to stay in what had become an abusive marriage was not an option for me.

Thankfully, the pain of my divorce fueled my desire to heal and grow in the most profound way.

I started to become more conscious of some connection between my divorce and my time in Vietnam.

It took another half a year for me to be able to clearly articulate what the connection was. 

Herniated Disc

Six months post-divorce, I woke up in LA in excruciating pain, unable to move my entire upper body.

Thankfully, Dr. Todd Gewant, an angel of a chiropractor, made time for me in his already full work day.

By the time I entered his office, I understood that perhaps the pain was connected to the motorcycle accident I’d had nearly seven years prior in Vietnam.  I also mentioned that I was newly divorced.

After running a few assessments, he looked me in the eye and said, “You probably have a herniated disc in your neck.  No need to worry.  I have seven, and I’ve never had surgery or taken an injection for the pain.  You have a significant healing journey ahead.  It starts with forgiving yourself.”

I accepted my healing mission.

Two days later, I flew to Phoenix, AZ to meet my parents.

With no headphones and too much pain to look down at a book, I chose to practice Vipassana meditation for the entire flight. 

Roughly two hours later, when we landed in Phoenix, my pain had been significantly relieved.

In the coming days, my primary focus was on healing. I started building my toolbox for herniated disc healing, which to this day includes a neck brace, Vipassana meditation, exercises for relieving shoulder and neck tension, and exercises for building strength and flexibility in the neck and shoulders. Additionally, my toolbox features hot and cold therapy, visits to a chiropractor, massage therapy, and more.

Today I live pain-free most of the time, with gratitude for my reliable toolbox that comes in handy when there are unavoidable flare-ups.

At this point well-versed in the mind-body-soul connection, I understood that I had something deep inside of me that was calling for healing, but I still couldn’t see what it was clearly.

My parents and I agreed that it felt appropriate for me to begin intensive one-on-one, outpatient therapy with the therapist I was already working with.  

PTSD Diagnosis

Seven years after the near-death motorcycle accident, in the thick of an intensive 1:1 therapeutic outpatient program, I met up with a friend.  As we sat on her couch chatting about life, she casually mentioned that it sounded like I have PTSD.  

It was such a simple yet profound moment.  She assumed I already knew.

I went home and reviewed all my notes about PTSD now seeing it all in a new light… wow, that does sound like me.

I shared the revelation that I probably have PTSD with my therapist and she didn’t pay much attention to it.  When I brought it up again and asked why she had been dismissive about it, she replied, “I thought you already knew.”  I hadn’t.

Despite being a practicing, trauma-informed Yoga teacher I could only see myself so clearly.

When I got back on the motorcycle and kept driving, as one does in Vietnam, my trauma became buried in my unconscious mind, as with all unprocessed trauma.

I have since also seen a psychiatrist who confirmed my PTSD diagnosis.

Working intensively with my therapist allowed me to ultimately understand that PTSD from the near-death motorcycle accident was the root of the pain in my neck and ultimately, all the other dis-eases I’ve mentioned thus far. 

Once I understood that I was working with PTSD, I could utilize all my trauma-healing tools.

Therapeutic Re-Experiencing of the Accident 

Healing my trauma at the root started with giving myself a designated space to re-experience the near-death motorcycle accident I’d lived through. 

I took myself down to the river and got comfy in a spot where I felt safe.  I laid down, grounded myself, and then guided myself through recalling the motorcycle accident utilizing a mental visualization technique.

I allowed myself to see arguably the scariest sight in the world.  

I saw myself lying on the road in Vietnam, my white motorcycle on top of me, eyes closed, with a Vietnamese man standing over me.  To the right of me, I saw a sea of motorcycles that had come to a sudden stop meters from my head.

Shining down from above, I saw a Divine golden-white light shining down on me.  I understood that this Divine force stopped the sea of motorbikes and saved my life.

It was clear to me that my life had been saved for good reason.  That I obviously had something to give to humanity and to our world, otherwise, I wouldn’t have been spared.

I also felt huge relief for my parents and extended family that they were spared from having to deal with what would have happened if I hadn’t been saved.

But the most important thing I learned from relieving my trauma is this:

If that Divine Light found me in a moment of despair in Vietnam, then it can certainly find me anywhere, any time.

Ever since meeting that Divine Light, I regularly return to it.  Imagining and sometimes even feeling this Divine Light entering my body serves as my most reliable energy source.  

My Equilibrium and Closing Thoughts: PTSD into PTGO

At some point in my healing, I came across a video on the topic of trauma healing.  I learned that some people experience stress as a result of trauma, but others experience growth.

I accepted that for seven years, my trauma kept me stuck and leaned into the possibility that it could now fuel my growth.

But in order to fully explore this possibility, I needed to let go of the term “PTSD,” because continuing to claim I was experiencing a “Stress Disorder” did not sound conducive to growth and healing.  

It took just a moment of contemplation for me to come up with a new term: Post Traumatic Growth Order: PTGO.

In an instant, I let go of all the stress and disorder that had resulted from my post-trauma and committed to leaning into growing and creating order.

Since adopting the term PTGO, I have experienced endless miracles.  Here are ten of the most significant:

1. A dream home literally fell in my lap without me actively searching for it
2. My finances grew higher than they have been since I became self-employed
3. I signed multiple new clients to work with me 1:1
4. I was given work opportunities beyond my wildest dreams, including creating a Yoga Teacher Training Course
5. I was gifted an opportunity to return to Vietnam and further close out my trauma story
6. My former husband and I established a peaceful and respectful relationship
7. A second dream home (a step up from the prior) came to me without me actively searching for it!
8. Friendships that had become strained are now mended
9. Children started naturally gravitating towards me in a way I hadn’t experienced since childhood
10. All of the new friends I’ve made are growth-oriented, optimistic people

My Healing Is for Life 

Part of my professional work relates to supporting people in implementing healthy new habits.  As such, whenever I feel a need to commit to a new habit myself, I implement the method I use with clients on myself.  This allows me to stay committed to my growth in a constructive way.  If necessary, I also create more acute tracking systems that allow me to see my progress over time.  

I am incredibly fortunate to have established many healthy habits at various stages in my healing journey.  As a result, the following habits are non-negotiables that allow me to maintain optimal functioning:

• Waking up naturally when my body is rested, after 8-10 hours of sleep
• Connecting with nature first thing in the morning – usually by watering my plants
• Walking barefoot on the Earth daily
• Writing: Morning Pages, Gratefuls, Future-Self-Journaling, Dumping, and more
• Maintaining an organized calendar
• Doing the dishes every day
• Fermenting food and eating it daily
• Mindful Movement every day: Yoga, swimming, walking, weights, and/or pilates 
• Meditation every day
• Deep rest while awake every day
• Daily time for contemplation 
• Reading books that inspire me
• Making Vision Boards
• Tracking my hormonal cycling
• Drinking clean water regularly throughout the day (approx 2L /day)
• Eating local produce daily
• Eating high-quality protein and fat sources daily
• Thoroughly cleaning my home once a week
• Viewing my work as part of my growth journey
• Praying regularly
• Honoring the cycles of the Moon
• Using Mindfulness techniques for Grounding and Centering throughout the day
• Placing positive, encouraging reminders around my home
• Sitting down to reply to messages at least once a day
• Opening my bank accounts and tracking my finances at least five days a week
• And more

But at the root of all of this, changing my habits, turning PTSD into PTGO, and working with clients is COMPASSION.

Of course, there are times when I catch myself slipping into old habits.  Having compassion for myself allows me to maintain a perspective where I see the progress I’ve made, accept that I’m only human on an ever-evolving journey, and trust that I will continue to progress positively.

As His Holiness, The 14th Dalai Lama of Tibet, once said, “At every level of society, the key to a happier world is the growth of compassion.”