Why I Fell Out of Love with the 12 Steps

Key Takeaways

• The 12-step model has helped many people, but it may not resonate with everyone due to its religious language or approach.
• Alternative recovery programs include SMART Recovery, Refuge Recovery, LifeRing, and individual therapy, each offering different frameworks.
• Substance use conditions can be treated, and choosing a recovery path is a personal decision based on your values and needs.
• Connection and support can matter as much as which specific program you follow.

Reaching five years sober can feel like hitting a wall in recovery, or it can feel like a new kind of freedom. While the 12 Steps formed the basis of early recovery, some people have reservations about the language used in AA’s literature and slogans, and they may feel it doesn’t connect with their life.

This can bring up uncomfortable feelings, like worrying you “don’t get it,” or feeling concerned about relapse, especially if you feel like you’re going against what people say in meetings. Many people find their recovery needs change over time, and those needs may not fit into just one approach. You’re not alone. Many people explore many modalities to lasting, healthy recovery.

When you first stop using substances, you may want purpose and structure. The Steps can offer that. As you work through them, you may notice patterns that supported your substance use, start to repair relationships, and begin living by your values.

Even so, you may still feel uncomfortable with parts of the language. If those feelings grow, you might start to question whether the Steps fit your needs right now.

Dissecting Literature of the Big Book

If AA literature doesn’t feel relatable to you, the language may feel old-fashioned, and you may struggle with its religious tone. AA started in 1935, and the 12 Steps appeared in 1939. It was later reported that “early AA got its ideas of self-examination, acknowledgment of character defects, restitution for harm done, and working with others straight from the Oxford Groups.”¹ The Oxford Group was an evangelical Christian organization.

AA and the Steps are not described by its members as religious, but many of the Steps refer to God, and AA literature includes many references to God. Even U.S. courts have concluded that “a fair reading of the fundamental AA doctrinal writings discloses that their dominant theme is unequivocally religious.”²

The Big Book is widely seen as well-written. Still, some people find it dated and less relatable to modern life. If you’re not religious, you may also struggle with the idea of needing a God, however you define that, as part of your recovery.

Some people also feel the Steps focus mostly on mental and spiritual health, and they may want more attention on physical health, too. If your substance use affected many parts of your life, you might look for an approach that supports your full well-being, such as a holistic recovery plan.

These concerns can open up helpful conversations with other people in recovery. You may find that many people recover in different ways, and they’re doing well.

Unhelpful AA Slogans

Some people find certain AA slogans discouraging instead of supportive. For example:

• “Where do I find sobriety? 12 Steps past any lengths”. This can sound like the Steps are the only way to stop drinking and that you need to go to any lengths to do it. Laura Silverman, approaching ten years sober, says: “When you’ve been in long-term recovery for nearly a decade, you’re bound to experiment with several programs and modalities. I credit AA/12-step for being a pivotal part of my early recovery because it gave me the tools I needed to have a life, not be my life. Something never truly clicked ‘in the rooms’ for me. I felt like a fraud but thought I had to be the only one feeling the same way. Turns out I couldn’t have been further from the truth: I was in very good company along with MILLIONS of other people living their recovery/sobriety holistically: yoga, meditation, reading, having a great support network, therapy, digital recovery (blogs, social media, etc.), fitness, nutrition, nature, and beyond. Connection is key and instead of all of us having the same exact program, why not learn from each other’s diverse recovery menus?”
• “Don’t trust your thinking”. If you’ve worked hard to change thoughts and behaviors that supported substance use, you may feel ready to trust yourself more. You might also want a recovery approach that helps you build confidence in your decisions.
• “Meeting makers make it”. Meetings can help, but they aren’t the only path to recovery. Beth Leipholtz, approaching four years sober, says: “…over time I found that I wasn’t necessarily comfortable at AA meetings. Part of it was the God talk, since I’m not necessarily religious, but it was more than that, too. The way sobriety was discussed just didn’t always click for me, and I found myself leaving meetings with a frustrated feeling hanging over me. Though I occasionally still go to meetings, I’ve stayed sober for three of my four years largely without AA involvement.”³
• “I’m just another drunk”. If labeling yourself based on past behavior no longer helps you, you may prefer language that leaves room for growth. You can acknowledge that substance use is a health concern while still seeing yourself as a whole person with many strengths and roles in life.
• “It works if you work it”. Some people hear this as a message that if the program isn’t working for them, they must be doing it wrong. Kelly Fitzgerald Junco says: “I dislike the dogma of 12 step, in particular ‘it works if you work it (the steps),’ as it somehow communicates that if it ISN’T working for you, you aren’t working it or aren’t working it hard enough. Not working the program doesn’t = death for the majority of people and to say otherwise is dangerously limiting.” Many people explore many modalities of recovery, such as SMART Recovery, Refuge Recovery, LifeRing, and therapy. What works for you may also change as you do. Irina Gonzalez, over a year sober, says: “After feeling like the use of ‘powerless’ in 12-Step meetings didn’t work for me, I began to attend SMART Recovery meetings, which are based in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), a type of talk therapy that helps you notice and change unhelpful thoughts and behaviors. SMART Recovery also teaches skills that can support self-management so you can build a full life in recovery. I found they worked better for me because the focus was largely on keeping sober through self-management and learning the tools and techniques to succeed in your recovery as an empowered person.”

The Power of Personal Choice

Many people feel grateful for the support they found in AA, while also wanting a recovery plan that matches their current needs. If that’s you, you may find it helpful to explore options that support your whole health.

Your experience may also help you stay open-minded and supportive of other people’s choices. Substance use conditions can be treated, and finding a path that fits your values and needs can support long-term recovery.