What Is the 13th Step of AA?

While there are only 12 official steps in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), you might hear about an unofficial “13th Step.” This term refers to a romantic or sexual relationship between an AA veteran and a new member. 

Even if your feelings are real, these relationships can be very harmful. People just joining AA are typically in the early stages of sobriety. This is a vulnerable time. Long-term AA members can easily take advantage of newcomers, whether they mean to or not. 

You have the right to feel safe in your recovery. If an AA member makes you uncomfortable, check in with your support network. This might include your therapist, your sponsor, or other AA members with whom you have a trusting relationship.

Taking the 13th Step or “13th Stepping” 

The 13th Step isn’t just about sex.¹ There’s a power imbalance between people in different stages of healing. AA veterans often have authority within their group, especially over new members. By dating or having sex with people in early recovery, 13th Steppers take advantage of their position.

Many people are vulnerable when they first join AA.² If drinking has damaged your past relationships, you might be socially isolated. At the same time, most AA newcomers are still learning how to set healthy boundaries. So you might turn to long-term members for advice and emotional support. 

At first, 13th Steppers may seem like trustworthy role models—and many veteran AA members have the best intentions. But others use 12-Step meetings to look for newcomers they can pursue. And because most 12-Step groups are relatively informal,³ it can be hard to hold members accountable.

Who’s Considered a 13th Stepper?

It’s important to note that anyone can be a 13th Stepper.⁴ The term refers to the power dynamic between long-term and recent sobriety. Age, gender and other aspects of identity can add to a 13th Stepper’s apparent authority.

Are Any Intimate Relationships Possible Within AA?

While some 13th Steppers actively prey on people who are new to the program, these dynamics aren’t always black and white. For example, some experienced AA members may feel genuinely attracted to a new member. And for many people in recovery, it’s easier to date people who share your history of addiction. It could even seem like starting an intimate relationship within AA will support your healing process.

However, 13th Stepping isn’t that simple. It puts AA veterans in a sponsor-like role that can boost their self-esteem. It can also make newcomers feel indebted to their partners. Often, these dangers outweigh any potential benefits. 

If you’ve been sober for some time, you might be able to date someone with a similar history. When you meet on equal terms, the power dynamics of the 13th Step may not apply. But any romance within AA can still affect your recovery. Even relationships between peers can end dramatically. In that case, seeing each other at meetings could be painful. If you decide to date someone else in recovery, it’s safer to make sure each of you has your own sober support network.

The Dangers of 13th Stepping

When you’re new to the 12 Steps, AA meetings are a place to find support, solace and community. The 13th Step has the opposite effect. When veterans prey on newcomers, dating in early recovery can increase your risk of relapse.⁵ 

Takes Time and Energy Away From Recovery

It’s standard advice in AA to abstain from starting a new romantic relationship⁶ for the first year of recovery. During that time, it’s essential to focus on yourself. New sexual relationships take up a lot of time and energy. As comforting as that can be, they also distract you from healing.

Increases Stress

Even positive relationships increase stress, which is a major contributor to relapse.⁷ And going through a breakup is even more stressful. It can also jeopardize your emotional safety within your AA group.

Alienates Newcomers From AA

13th Stepping is predatory. When AA veterans make sexual advances, they put unfair pressure on new members. The new person might feel like if they say no, they’ll have to leave the group. That cuts them off from valuable community support. 

Puts Newcomers at Risk

13th Stepping isn’t only distracting and isolating; it can also cause outright harm. There are documented cases of predatory AA veterans assaulting newcomers. Monica Richardson’s film The 13th Step⁸ describes many of these cases, exposing how some AA members take advantage of people in early recovery.

13th Stepping is not only dangerous, but indicates a need for additional professional help. If someone shifts from managing their addiction to predatory behavior, this could be a sign of other behaviors that require attention.