How to Make Amends: 7 Steps to Repair Relationships in Recovery

Making amends involves acknowledging and correcting past behaviors. It’s a transformational part of addiction recovery that takes courage, self-awareness, and a willingness to change.

For many people, the process begins in treatment. If you're working through a 12-Step program, participating in therapy, or rebuilding your life after rehab, making amends can help repair relationship problems caused by addiction. While the process may seem daunting at first, you can make amends in a way that’s sincere and respectful. This can be a powerful way to move your healing journey forward.

What Are Amends?

When you make amends, you acknowledge and take responsibility for your actions that have hurt others. They take different forms:

• Direct amends: Taking ownership of your actions in person, such as offering a sincere face-to-face apology or repaying a financial debt
• Indirect amends: Changing the behaviors that caused harm without directly contacting the person, such as writing a letter of apology or learning healthy communication in therapy
• Living amends: Making lasting lifestyle changes that demonstrate your commitment to recovery, like attending a treatment program or learning to manage your emotions in therapy

What Step in AA Is Making Amends?

Step 9 of the Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.) 12-Step program is about making direct amends to people whenever possible.¹ The only exception is when it harms you or the other person. (Step 8 is to make a list of all the people you may have harmed during addiction.)

Many people find that the support they receive from AA meetings helps them prepare to make amends. Talking with your sober community about your history with drugs or alcohol can help you identify what you need to make amends for.

What’s the Difference Between Making Amends and an Apology?

An apology is expressing regret or saying sorry for causing harm to someone. Amends often include apologies, but they go beyond words. Making an amend means taking accountability and action to repair any damages done. Through these restorative actions, you demonstrate your commitment to change.

What Are Challenges With Making Amends?

Making amends is hard. It’s common to struggle with feelings of guilt or shame. And it can be intimidating to be uncertain about how the other person will react.

It’s possible to be too early in the healing journey to start making amends. If you’re actively using drugs or alcohol, making amends can seem like an empty gesture to the other person. While you may genuinely want to repair your relationships, it’s a good idea to focus on your sobriety first. This looks different for different people. For example, some people may require medically supervised detox as a first step, followed by residential alcohol treatment.

As challenging as making amends may seem, remember: you’re human. We make mistakes from time to time. Owning past mistakes and taking action to correct them shows huge growth.

How to Make Amends

Amends are personal—there's no one right way to do them. Here's a general framework to guide your process:

1. Acknowledge what happened. Recognize the behaviors that caused harm to someone else.
2. Take responsibility. Accept the impact of your actions on others.
3. Make a list. Identify the people you want to make amends to. In the 12 Steps, this is Step 8.
4. Express remorse. Apologize sincerely. Going through the motions without genuine feeling can backfire.
5. Take action. Correct past mistakes where you can — for example, paying someone back.
6. Commit to change. Show your growth through changed behavior, not just words.
7. Be patient. The other person may not forgive you right away, and that's okay.

When Not to Make Amends

Making amends can help you repair your relationships. However, there are situations where it might not be appropriate. If approaching the other person opens up old wounds or re-traumatizes them, making amends isn’t advisable. If interacting with someone re-traumatizes you, or increases your risk of relapse, you might want to reconsider approaching them.

How Making Amends Benefits Your Recovery

Substance abuse ruins our relationship with ourselves and others.² Making amends empowers you to start repairing that damage, and benefits your healing journey in many ways:

• Repairing trust takes time, but can lead to an even stronger relationship.
• Taking responsibility for past mistakes grows your personal accountability.
• Taking action shows your commitment to change.
• Addressing your past wrongs can relieve feelings of guilt or shame.
• You may find closure by addressing unresolved issues.
• Making amends enhances your empathy and understanding.

Find Support and Connect With Others

Making amends is challenging, but it's also one of the most meaningful parts of recovery. Connection, accountability, and the courage to face the past are what lasting healing is built on.

If you haven't yet found the support structure to help you get there, treatment can help. A quality addiction recovery program gives you the tools, guidance, and community to work through the hardest parts of recovery — including making amends. Explore 12-Step addiction treatment programs to find the right fit for where you are today.