How to Use the 12 Traditions to Improve Your Relationship: Part 2

The 12 Traditions are to relationships as the 12 Steps are to sobriety.

In last month’s column, we looked at how the first three of the 12 Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous can help strengthen relationships. This month, we’ll look at the next three Traditions.

Tradition 4:

Each member should be autonomous except in matters affecting the other person or the couple as a whole. We sacrifice being a dictator and/or people pleasing.

In early recovery, my wife Nancy and I lived in West Hollywood and regularly attended a Monday night meeting at La Cienega Park in Beverly Hills.

When I drove, I went the “right” way—south, then west. When Nancy drove, she went the “wrong” way—west, then south. My route had less traffic, but she worried that our big Chevy Blazer might get side-swiped on the narrow streets I used. Her route had more traffic, and I often complained as we crawled along the wider, more congested streets she preferred.

We usually ended up arguing about whose route was better and arrived at the meeting frustrated and disconnected. But the truth was simple: no matter which way we went—south then west or west then south—we still arrived at the meeting.

Autonomy means self-governing, and this Tradition suggests that I get to govern myself unless my choices affect the other person or us as a couple. When that happens, we need to return to Tradition 2 and have a group conscience, or to Tradition 1 and put the common welfare first.

That’s exactly what we did: we agreed that the person driving gets to choose the route, and the passenger goes along for the ride—without arguing, pouting, or sulking.

What happened was that we began arriving at the meeting feeling happier and more connected. Others noticed the shift and commented that we “looked different” or “looked good,” asking what had changed. The answer was simple: we were practicing the Traditions by letting go of the need to control.

Of course, the opposite can also be true. If a partner asks which movie you’d like to see or what kind of food you prefer, consistently responding with “whatever you want” is a form of people-pleasing. When someone asks for my opinion, I have a responsibility to offer an honest, autonomous response, and in doing so, I surrender to people-pleasing.

Over time, not practicing this Tradition often leads to irritation, bickering, and distance. The solution is to practice Tradition 4: surrender autonomy when a choice affects the other person or the relationship as a whole, and take responsibility for decisions when asked or when the choice affects only me.

Tradition 5:

Each member of the couple has a primary purpose—to carry a message of love, tolerance, mercy, and compassion to each other and to themselves, especially when either person is suffering. We sacrifice being judgmental.

I remember Nancy coming home from work frustrated and exhausted, walking in the door, slamming it, throwing her stuff down, and sighing. There was a time when I was offended by that, thinking, “How dare she bring that anger into my house?” Then I remembered that it was not “my house,” but “our home.”

I was blessed to learn this Tradition and to view Nancy’s behavior as a manifestation of her suffering. Once I saw her suffering, I immediately had this Tradition to guide my behavior: stop judging her, and bring love and tolerance to the suffering alcoholic. That wasn't hard because of how much I loved Nancy.

What was hard was learning to see my own less-than-ideal behavior as a form of suffering too, and to release self-judgment so I could bring love and tolerance to myself. One realization that helped was this: being compassionate toward others but not toward myself was not a truly compassionate stance.

It was also invaluable to learn to replace judgment—toward myself and others—with its opposite, mercy. Judgment comes from the head; mercy comes from the heart. Judgment wounds; mercy heals. Judgment separates; mercy connects. Judgment is touching pain with fear; mercy is touching pain with love.

This Tradition is actually my favorite, and I believe it has brought about the greatest change in both my behavior and my relationships.

Tradition 6:

The couple ought never let problems of money, property, or prestige divert them from their primary purpose. We sacrifice or surrender being materialistic and egotistical.

Professionally, I am a hospice nurse and work bedside with dying patients and grieving families, and have done so for over a quarter century. I am at the top of my field, and am often asked (and paid) to speak nationally to groups of others who do the same work. I’m a fabulous speaker (I don’t believe in false modesty) and easy to work with, so there was a time when I was flying out of town to speak four to six times per month.

I tried to say it was about earning extra money when the opportunity arose, and it was, in part. But it was also about my ego and the prestige of being recognized as a national expert.

However, each time I flew to a convention or gathering to speak, it was time away from Nancy. And in truth, the relationship suffered. I failed to bring balance to my choices and let my desire for more money, more recognition, and more prestige cloud my priorities.

Certainly, there is nothing wrong with sharing my knowledge and tools, generating additional income, and enjoying others’ recognition of my expertise. But all of that has to come second to making time for my family, creating sufficient “down-time” to renew spiritually, emotionally, and physically, and cultivating an approach of service rather than just a desire for more money and prestige.

Of course, as soon as I started practicing a more balanced and selective approach to these choices, I reduced my time away from home, got to enjoy the company of beloved Nancy, and found a little more humility and greater opportunity to renew. Balance, for me, was the key.

If you’re working on strengthening your recovery or your relationships, you don’t have to do it alone. Recovery.com can help you explore treatment options and supportive resources tailored to where you are on your journey.