Sex and Codependents: What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

When writing my book, Backbone Power: The Science of Saying No, many women I interviewed reported consenting to sexual activity because they wanted the interaction to be over or wanted the other person to leave. Others shared how they gave consent so the other person would like them, while some opened up about manipulating their weight to avoid dating or the intricacies of a sexual relationship. Some talked about experiences that occurred despite their refusal and how it made them feel when their answer of “no” wasn’t respected. Many reflected on times where they drank too much and had been taken advantage of, but not remembering the specifics.

The stories go on and one, and they all have one thing in common: the inability to say “no” when you mean “no”.

The Law

In America, laws vary by state, but everyone has a right to bodily autonomy, and many forms of unwanted or nonconsensual physical and sexual contact are prohibited by law. Unfortunately, not all countries have these protections, therefore it is important for us to continually advocate for these protections outside of our borders.

Part of honoring this protection is learning how to say “no” clearly, concisely, and emphatically when necessary. The personal testimonies that women have shared with me, plus those publicly shared by countless other individuals, make it obvious that many do not believe they can say “no”. When perpetrators are allowed to take advantage of others, it is a loss for all of us. However, when we shine a light on their behavior and hold them accountable, we begin creating a safer environment for us all.

We all benefit when we collectively work to support one another by saying “no” to those who do not respect the sexual boundaries of others. The first and most important thing we can do is to say what we mean and mean what we say– say “no” when we mean “no”. Should our refusal or non-consent go ignored, we must report it.

Codependency and Self-Esteem

Codependency is described as a state of being mutually reliant, such as in a relationship between two people.¹ For many, codependency involves a lack of self-esteem, which can contribute to further complications in relationships with others. If you struggle with codependency, your inner monologue of “please like me, please like me” can quickly become dangerous, especially in relation to sex and intimate relationships.

Having good self-esteem means that you know, without a shadow of a doubt, that if someone does something for you, you are not obligated to “repay” them. For instance, if someone takes you on a date and pays for dinner, you know that it doesn’t mean that you owe him or her sex in return. I commonly hear people say “but he/she paid for dinner, so doesn’t that mean I owe him/her sex?”, but that analysis is wrong. The company of the person’s presence is the gift to the interaction, and having good self-esteem means being confident in saying “no” to a date or intimate invitation.

Not everyone has good self-esteem. For example, if you were raised in a dysfunctional family where the focus was on the dysfunction, chances are developing your self-esteem was not a priority. As an adult navigating the world, however, healthy self-esteem is necessary.

When young adults arrive at college with no self-esteem, for example, it can be easy to fall into dangerous patterns of behavior fueled by hormones and pressures to engage in drinking or doing drugs. This is often considered a prime time for these young adults to work on finding their voice, which can contribute to their ability to be confident in saying “no”.

Take the time for self-discovery and finding your voice, regardless of if you are in college or retired. Practice saying “no” when you mean “no”. Build your self-esteem by letting go of the “like me, like me” patterns of thinking and start deciding who and what you want in your life, instead.

In my experience, people who were never allowed to say “no” are often amazed at how easy it is to start saying it. Years of believing that “yes” is the only right answer can begin to get erased when you say “no” for the first time and continue to build on the practice.

Sex and Boundaries

Boundaries (such as saying “no” when you mean “no”) are important for all of us to establish throughout all areas of our lives– including our sex lives. Making others aware of your boundaries allows them to take care of us while simultaneously weeding out those who won’t.

Letting someone know that you value your health and want to engage in safe, responsible sexual activities exudes confidence. People who prioritize their health are often attracted to those who have boundaries, while people with boundaries know what they like and dislike. They are defined and have clarity. Clear boundaries are a sign of a healthy person.

Unfortunately, there are people throughout the world who choose to ignore the boundaries others set. We must come equipped to do our part in saying “no” to those individuals, and holding them accountable for their choice to ignore our wishes.

Discover a Path to Healing

From intensive individual therapy programs to 24/7 structured support, the right solution is out there. Explore options for wellness-focused mental health treatment, trauma treatment centers, and more to find a safe space to heal. Find a mental health facility today and begin your journey toward stability and peace.