My Best 7 Tips for Newcomers After 2,000 Days Sober

I had one day sober when I went to my first sober party. It was about 9:30 p.m., and suddenly the girl who danced on the black leather couch at the club was now the girl standing in the doorway of someone’s apartment bathroom, clutching a red plastic cup of seltzer—“checking” a phone with no new messages.

That was November 11, 2012. And it had actually been an additional two weeks since I’d had a drink…until I found out that weed “counted.”

So I started over.

I continued to hit the 12 Steps hard and take all of the suggestions. I’ve been sober ever since.

The 2,000 days that followed were made up of hours so intense I had to move through them one second at a time—and months that felt effortless. I got a ton of advice and suggestions from people in and outside of the rooms, and I’ve ultimately found my own way in the world as a sober woman.

Tried-and-True Recovery Tips

Everyone works their program and lives their sober life differently. But there are certain things I’ve found always hold true, from day one to today.

1. Don’t Follow That First Negative Thought

In your first year, it’s true that on many matters, you can’t really trust your thinking, at least the kind that gets you into situations you maybe should have thought twice about.

You’re here to learn how to live a happy, healthy life from others who seem to have nailed it. So be wary of those first paranoid, judgmental, angry, scorned thoughts you’ll have in reaction to life and the people in it.

Impulsivity was a big part of my personality when I was still drinking or using. Whether I was drunk and hopping into a cab with some random person—or stone-cold sober at work firing off emails that really needed some time to breathe first—I was quick to react.

And in addition to becoming willing to ignore those thoughts: definitely, definitely don’t act on them. You know in your gut if it’s not a great move. You really do. So hold your tongue. Say the most respectful or kind thing you can muster if you have to say anything in the moment. Then pick up the phone, meditate, go for a run, call five people—whatever you need to do to avoid repeating old patterns.

You may even find out later that you misunderstood the intention or tone, or that your mind was creating a story where there was none.

2. Do Not Rely on Help From Just One Person

Create that sober network. Find other people with a lot of time who can advise you, and who you can talk to about your sponsor or your friend when you’re having a tough time with that person.

Because you will.

And there is nothing like feeling shaky about such an important relationship to make you toy with the notion of giving up.

Also, you never know when your sponsor will be available. And sometimes, unfortunately, people relapse. You want to feel like you’ve got a solid squad you can trust.

3. Feelings Pass, and Things Get Better If You Don’t Pick Up

You will have the thought more than once that there is nothing that would ease your nerves like a drink or a hit. Well…don’t.

Feelings and situations really do pass and get better as long as you don’t pick up. It’s a rule of the universe. We did not make this up to trick you.

I can’t give you a timeframe on any given situation. And I haven’t relapsed (I’ll say “yet” for good measure), but I hear it’s not a lot of fun. It’s a real bummer.

Don’t throw away your progress when things get hard. You’ll start to actually grow—and you might even avoid being in the same painful place again once you take the time to reflect.

Whether what’s causing you pain is or isn’t in your control, you always have choices to make your life just a little easier.

4. You Really Can Change If You Do The Work

As long as you are willing to grow, change, and be uncomfortable at times, the “new you” is someone who is able to experience what AA refers to as “the promises” on a pretty consistent basis.

Your life will begin to change for the better, even if it’s only because you’re changing the way you relate to it before you make any big moves to upgrade your work, relationships, or living situation.

Here’s a simple breakdown of those promises:

• We’re able to actually feel peaceful and calm on our own—without a drink or a drug—and figure out what makes us genuinely happy.
• We aren’t plagued by financial or emotional insecurity because we’re making smarter, more conscious, responsible choices.
• We stop rehashing the past, holding on to grudges, and reliving painful memories.
• We come to terms with everything once and for all and move forward.
• We stop being self-centered (we all get offended by this claim at first blush, until we realize, yeah…we kind of were) and start caring about other people and greater causes while still taking care of our own needs.
• We start to realize we can handle things that used to feel overwhelming and crisis-level crazy in a pretty simple and rational way.

And most importantly of all, we don’t live our lives operating from a place of fear.

5. Show Up When You Say You Will

If you are looking for excuses to get out of a work, social, or meeting/fellowship commitment because you:

• Kind of don’t feel like it.
• Are not sure you’re going to like it.
• It’s inconvenient.
• You won’t “get anything” out of it
• Are anxious.

…suck it up.

I have not regretted a single instance of showing up when I didn’t particularly want to follow through—even if things didn’t turn out as “fun” or “fruitful” as I hoped.

The great thing about this is that people will show up for you, too. And you’ll feel good about being a reliable person.

There is always a clause that allows you to bail or reschedule: if your sobriety will really be at risk, or if you’re actually not feeling well. Taking care of yourself is extremely important. We didn’t for so long.

If you’re feeling nervous about your friend’s big birthday bash at a bar, tell them you’ll take them out for brunch or dinner at a day and time that works.

6. Hey, After A Little While, Try Starting to Trust Yourself Again

I took every suggestion my sponsors, friends, and “the literature” gave me for the first three years of my recovery.

Even then, though, there were people who really messed with my head—commenting on my medications when they shouldn’t have, projecting whatever their own sponsor told them right onto me, and policing me like I was still counting days.

It took me nearly five years to find the courage to start living the sober life that worked for me and to stand by it.

Somewhere in the middle is where things start to click: remaining connected to the program and the people in it, while also learning to rely on yourself and trust the universe.

When we get sober, we see things more clearly. And if you’re working a program, chances are you’re getting back in touch with reality and rationality—perhaps for the first time.

Don’t let anyone bully you into doing something that doesn’t feel right. Speak up for yourself in a kind and honest way.

At some point, the training wheels have to come off.

7. Therapy and “Outside” Professional Help is a Wonderful Thing

Sometimes, our issue really is just alcohol use disorder. Often, though, there’s something else driving that train: PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, or simply unresolved issues that a meeting is not going to fix.

For me, continuing to see my therapist offered additional perspective and provided a solid buffer through a rough patch, especially when a few sponsor relationships made me feel like throwing my hands up and quitting.

Not only is it helpful to have an impartial third party to talk to, but if you do have other issues to address, things can only get better when you begin recovery for those, too.

Find Support for the Next Step

If you’re struggling to stay sober, or just want more support than you have right now, you don’t have to do it alone. Recovery.com can help you find drug and alcohol treatment centers that match your needs, whether you’re looking for detox, inpatient care, outpatient support, or therapy. Explore options, compare programs, and take the next step toward recovery with confidence.