I’m So Sorry: When Do Sex Addicts Really Mean It?

Celebrity disclosures about compulsive sexual behavior, from public figures to professional athletes, are often followed by public apologies. We see them on television, sometimes standing beside their partner, expressing regret and apologizing to their families, supporters, and the world at large for the impact of their behavior. But can someone really be sorry right away?

Many people’s first impression (and perhaps a cynical one) is that they may feel more upset about their life being disrupted than about the harm caused. And it’s true that in treatment for compulsive sexual behavior, it’s common for a person to experience an overwhelming rush of emotion and remorse simply from recognizing the full weight and consequences of their actions. A colleague once referred to this initial emotional release as “narcissistic tears.” A moment when a person confronts their own human flaw.

Sex Addiction Treatment Stresses Remorse

Evidence-based treatment protocols, as well as 12-Step recovery programs, emphasize the importance of stepping out of the self-focused mindset that often accompanies compulsive behaviors.

Recovery involves beginning to recognize the harm done to others and to oneself. While the crisis period often triggers an intense wave of shame, developing genuine empathy for those affected typically requires years of work.

As a trainee, I once observed my supervisor meeting with a new sex addiction client who said, “But I’m really a good man.” My supervisor responded, “No, you're not.” That kind of honest confrontation can sometimes help someone loosen their grip on a false sense of self.

What's Involved in Real Remorse?

In some instances, we can be truly sorry right away. If a bus lurches and you step on someone’s foot, you immediately say, “I’m sorry.” And in this instance, you really are sorry, because you had no ability to control your hurtful behavior. You have immediate empathy and concern for the person, even if they're inwardly (or outwardly) cursing you for being such a clod.

But the harm caused through chronic, secretive sexual behavior is different. Losing your balance and stepping on someone’s foot says nothing about your core values or identity. It’s an accident. In contrast, repeatedly meeting one’s needs in ways that disregard a partner’s trust can feel deeply connected to one’s sense of self. In that context, a simple “I’m sorry” doesn’t seem to cut it.

In the immediate aftermath of the disclosure of a sex addict’s secret life, it's usually clear to everyone (except perhaps the person in crisis) that they're still the same person. There cannot be an instantaneous transformation. Every bit of fear, conflict, low self-worth, and lack of integrity is still there.

Real remorse and victim empathy can only happen when a person has done enough self-exploration and acquired enough self-awareness to function in an entirely different way.

Four Major Requirements for Lasting Change

Sustainable change often requires:

• A shift from impression management to honesty and transparency.
• A shift from a habit of avoiding, controlling, and placating others to a genuine ability to express feelings, needs, and vulnerabilities.
• A shift from grandiosity and self-centeredness to an ability to really listen to another and to be comfortable being influenced by a partner.
• A shift from a compartmentalized life to an ability to share all the parts of oneself with another person.

In other words, the person becomes more grounded, centered, and emotionally available. For those close to them, these changes are often noticeable: they seem more sincere, more present, and more aligned with their values. One of the clearest signs of this growth is an authentic commitment to recovery. And not to appease others or improve one’s image, but because healing has become personally meaningful.

Implications for Partners

The intense feelings that accompany disclosure can help motivate someone to commit to their own healing and to repairing the relationship. However, partners often face a much longer and more challenging recovery process. One reason is that meaningful inner change usually unfolds slowly.

I believe this is because the person needs time to make genuine amends and adopt new behaviors. It is also because the partner can tell whether and to what extent basic inner changes are taking place. And in the long run, this is essential to the credibility of the addict’s expressions of empathy and remorse.