Learn / The Search for Solid Ground: How to Heal From Narcissistic Abuse
The Search for Solid Ground: How to Heal From Narcissistic Abuse
The term ‘narcissist’ gets thrown around a lot. And it’s often misused, or used too casually. Narcissism is more than selfishness. And for survivors of narcissistic abuse, it’s anything but casual. If you’ve experienced the intensity of a relationship with a narcissist, you may need to heal from ongoing trauma symptoms. Some people find solace in self-help resources, while others use holistic therapies like yoga or acupuncture. You can even attend residential rehab to heal from narcissistic abuse.
If you or someone you know is being threatened or abused, call 800-799-SAFE or text “START” to 88788 to connect with the National Domestic Violence Support Hotline. Their support is free and confidential.
Understanding Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a serious condition1 that can affect all parts of a person’s life. It falls under the cluster B umbrella of personality disorders, featuring unpredictable behavior and intense emotions. Researchers haven’t determined the exact cause of NPD. But childhood trauma, genetics, and receiving excessive praise can all be risk factors.
NPD can be hard to recognize, but these are some common traits:
- A sense of superiority
- Boldness
- Aggression
- High or unstable self-esteem
- Defensiveness
- Hypersensitivity
- Constant need for praise and attention
- Difficulty extending empathy to others
- Manipulation of other
People with NPD can show arrogance, jealousy, and an unwillingness to relate to others. Because of this, many people with NPD have trouble forming and maintaining healthy relationships. This, combined with the high rates of aggression and manipulation, can easily result in narcissistic abuse. Domestic violence can take place in any relationship. But it’s often seen between parents and children, and romantic partners.
What Is Narcissistic Abuse?
Narcissistic abuse is any abuse from a person with NPD,2 or someone who exhibits narcissistic behaviors. It’s rooted in the aggressor’s inability to show empathy. The abuser tries to control the other person with intimidation, manipulation, and deception. This can happen in any type of relationship, but it’s often seen between parents and children, and in romantic partnerships.
Between 60-158 million people experience narcissistic abuse.2 Although so many people go through it, it can be hard to recognize—which is why it’s important to know the signs:
- Isolation, in which the abuser cuts you off from supportive loved ones
- Gaslighting, in which the abuser tries to convince you that they’re not abusive
- Love bombing, where the abuser overwhelms you with excessive affection and attention, usually at the beginning of a relationship or after violence
- Instability
- Name-calling
- The silent treatment
- Stonewalling, where the abuser shuts down conversations they don’t like
It can be extremely difficult to recognize this behavior. It might start in small ways, and get worse over time. By the time it reaches full-on abuse, you’re so used to being treated poorly that you don’t see how bad things are. And if you love the other person, it’s easy to make excuses for them. You might even blame yourself, believing their behavior is justified.
Abusive relationships can even fool the experts. In fact, studies show that almost 60% of therapists miss the signs of narcissistic abuse.2 And because many people with NPD are charming and sociable, sometimes other people don’t take narcissistic abuse seriously. That’s especially true when the abuser is in a position of power.
Parental Abuse
People with NPD have a hard time considering other people’s needs—even their children’s. That can damage familial relationships, causing trauma on both sides.
When you’re a child, it’s natural to trust your parents. You rely on them for food, shelter, and emotional support. And, because you haven’t yet seen the world, you can’t easily compare their behavior to social norms. If gaslighting is your daily reality, you might not know there’s a better way to treat people.
Living through narcissistic abuse is one type of adverse childhood experience (ACE).3 ACEs affect your emotional development. And as an adult, ACEs can make you vulnerable to physical and mental health issues. For example, studies indicate having a narcissistic parent results in lower self-esteem4 in adulthood.
Narcissistic parents project their inflated self-views5 onto their children, who then internalize them. You may believe your role in a relationship is to give affection but never receive it. If you get stuck in that dynamic, this pattern can damage your adult relationships.
Intimate Partner Violence
Narcissistic abuse is also common in romantic relationships. Intimate partner narcissistic abuse usually happens in 3 stages:2
- Idealization, where the abuser imitates their partner’s personality and values to create the illusion of a perfect relationship;
- Devaluation, when the abuser drops the act and pulls away from, criticizes, or humiliates their partner;
- Discard, in which the abuser suddenly leaves the relationship, usually in an extremely hurtful way like cheating.
Narcissistic or not, abusive relationships are extremely difficult to escape.6 People with NPD may even show remorse after they discard you, only to leave again as soon as you forgive them. The goal here is to maintain the power imbalance, not repair the relationship. And even after you get to safety, the end of an abusive relationship rarely leaves you with closure.7
When you’re connected to your abuser financially, legally, or through children, breaking up can be dangerous. If you’re experiencing domestic violence, you can get immediate help. And you can make a safety plan before you’re ready to leave.
If you or someone you know is being threatened or abused, call 800-799-SAFE or text “START” to 88788 to connect with the National Domestic Violence Support Hotline.
Their support is free and confidential.
What Are the Long-Term Effects of Abuse?
Abuse of any kind can do immediate damage. But even after you get to safety, you might feel the lasting effects of trauma.
Post-traumatic-stress disorder (PTSD) is a common result of narcissistic abuse.8 With PTSD, you might experience flashbacks, nightmares, or feel guilty or on edge. And because narcissistic abusers manipulate their targets, it can be difficult to trust people again.
It’s hard to build a stable relationship without trust. That’s one reason why many people have trouble connecting with others in a healthy way after abuse.9 And if your parent was your abuser, you may have learned unhealthy behavioral patterns at a young age. These could include emotional outbursts, control issues, or high-risk behaviors. In fact, studies show that experiencing abuse increases your risk of addiction.10
Narcissistic abuse also impacts your self-esteem.7 People with NPD have trouble showing empathy, so they often say cruel things to the people closest to them. This can cause anxiety or depression, which are common among people recovering from abuse of any kind.11
Approaching Recovery From Narcissistic Abuse
When you’re ready to heal from trauma, you might need specialized treatment. Trauma-informed care is often the right place to start. In a trauma-informed program, your provider will have experience working with survivors. As a result, they’ll understand the unique needs of people with a history of abuse.
This approach can include several different types of therapy:
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)12 is a popular method of treatment for survivors of narcissistic abuse.
In session, your therapist will help you break through unhelpful thought and behavioral patterns13 that come from your trauma. For example, you might be hesitant to trust a new partner. In that case, your therapist could help you trace your fears back to their point of origin. Perhaps a parent broke your trust as a child, and you now expect betrayal in your closest relationships.
Once you identify the cause, you’ll learn practical ways to reframe your response. Your therapist might ask you to check the facts, comparing your partner to the person who abused you. Given their current behavior, do you expect them to betray you? And do they have the ability to harm you as much as your parent did? When a parent never arrives to pick you up from school, you could get stuck there. If an adult partner stands you up at a restaurant, your feelings might be hurt, but you’ll still get home safely.
You’ll practice these skills in session with your therapist, and also in your daily life. There are a few specialized types of CBT that can help you recover from narcissistic abuse:
- trauma-focused CBT (TF-CBT),14 a type of CBT for children and their non-abusive loved ones;
- cognitive processing therapy (CPT),15 which teaches you healthier ways to think about your trauma;
- prolonged exposure therapy (PE),16 where you consciously confront your trauma in a safe environment to desensitize yourself to it.
Holistic Therapies
Because many people with trauma find it painful to talk about their past, talk therapies like CBT can be extremely difficult. And patients often drop out of these types of therapies17 because they can be so triggering.
In those cases, alternative treatment can be a great place to start. Holistic trauma therapies18 aren’t a replacement for other methods, but they can still have a major impact on your recovery. These are some of the most well-known holistic treatments for trauma:
- acupuncture
- massage therapy
- herbal medicines
- hypnotherapy
- yoga
- dietary supplements
Holistic treatments invite you to start healing your mind, body, and spirit at the same time. Patients reflect on the past traumas while rebuilding their sense of self. This can empower you to recover in a gentler, more sustainable way.
Physical techniques like massage and acupuncture can help you release tension stored in the body. If you survived physical abuse, this can be an extremely important part of healing. These treatments are opportunities for you to practice receiving safe, supportive touch. And by doing that, you can learn to feel safe in your own body again.
Medication
Some therapists recommend using medication to decrease trauma symptoms.19 This is a common treatment for patients with conditions like PTSD, depression and anxiety. Doctors often prescribe antidepressants like Zoloft or Prozac to help people manage intense emotions. But everyone’s experience is different. Talk to your doctor about your recovery goals, so they can guide you toward the right type of treatment.
Taking medication can lighten the emotional load during recovery. But it’s just one aspect of healing. It’s important to combine any prescription meds with other approaches to your care.
Self-Help Resources
In addition to residential rehab, therapy, and medications, other resources can support your healing journey. You can start educating yourself about this complex topic, alongside your search for a provider. If you enjoy podcasts, you can start by listening to one of the following:
- The Healing Trauma Podcast
- The Narcissistic Trauma Recovery Podcast
- The Emotional Abuse Recovery Podcast
Or, to read about healing from narcissistic abuse, you can check out one of these books:
- Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson
- Recovering From Narcissistic Abuse by Priscilla Posey
- Healing from Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas
- The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists by Eleanor Payson
These resources can help you learn more about NPD, narcissistic abuse, and the healing process. For many people, they’re an important first step to recognizing realities. But they’re no replacement for therapy. Survivors also benefit from professional care.
Residential Treatment for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse
Abuse is never the survivor’s fault. But healing from it is your responsibility. And there’s no shame in admitting you need help. If it feels like trauma symptoms are dominating your life, you might consider attending inpatient rehab for trauma. Living on-site can help you fully focus on healing, become part of a community, and get a new perspective on your recovery.
See our list of residential rehabs for information on therapies, pricing, and more.
Reviewed by Rajnandini Rathod
- Mitra, Paroma, and Dimy Fluyau. “Narcissistic Personality Disorder.” StatPearls, StatPearls Publishing, 2022. PubMed, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK556001/. [↩]
- Roberts, Michelle D., “Moth to a Flame: An Investigation of the Personality Traits and Early-Life Trauma
Histories of Women Who Have Survived Adult Relationships with Men with Pathological Narcissism”
(2021). Dissertations. 1043.
https://irl.umsl.edu/dissertation/1043 [↩] [↩] [↩] [↩] - Fast Facts: Preventing Adverse Childhood Experiences |Violence Prevention|Injury Center|CDC. 14 Apr. 2022, https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/aces/fastfact.html. [↩]
- Brittany N. Bach. “The impact of parental narcissistic traits on self-esteem in adulthood.” Smith College, 2014. https://scholarworks.smith.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1922&context=theses [↩]
- Jabeen, Fakhra, et al. “Healing the next Generation: An Adaptive Agent Model for the Effects of Parental Narcissism.” Brain Informatics, vol. 8, no. 1, Mar. 2021, p. 4. PubMed Central, https://doi.org/10.1186/s40708-020-00115-z. [↩]
- Leaving an Abusive Relationship | Office on Women’s Health. https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/domestic-violence/leaving-abusive-relationship. Accessed 27 Dec. 2022. [↩]
- Cunen, Mary-ann Borg. The Recovery Process after Being in a Relationship with a Narcissist. www.academia.edu, https://www.academia.edu/3640472/The_recovery_process_after_being_in_a_relationship_with_a_Narcissist. Accessed 27 Dec. 2022. [↩] [↩]
- Arabi, Shahida. 2022. PTSD Symptoms: Romantic Relationships with Individuals Who Have
Narcissistic and Psychopathic Traits. Master’s thesis, Harvard University Division of Continuing
Education. [↩] - Rakovec-Felser, Zlatka. “Domestic Violence and Abuse in Intimate Relationship from Public Health Perspective.” Health Psychology Research, vol. 2, no. 3, Oct. 2014, p. 1821. PubMed Central, https://doi.org/10.4081/hpr.2014.1821. [↩]
- Rich, S. Lynne, et al. “The Impact of Abuse Trauma on Alcohol and Drug Use: A Study of High-Risk Incarcerated Girls.” Journal of Child & Adolescent Substance Abuse, vol. 25, no. 3, 2016, pp. 194–205. PubMed Central, https://doi.org/10.1080/1067828X.2015.1007197. [↩]
- Radell, Milen L., et al. “The Impact of Different Types of Abuse on Depression.” Depression Research and Treatment, vol. 2021, Apr. 2021, p. 6654503. PubMed Central, https://doi.org/10.1155/2021/6654503. [↩]
- Iverson, Katherine M., et al. “Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy for PTSD and Depression Symptoms Reduces Risk for Future Intimate Partner Violence among Interpersonal Trauma Survivors.” Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, vol. 79, no. 2, Apr. 2011, pp. 193–202. PubMed Central, https://doi.org/10.1037/a0022512. [↩]
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Behavioral Therapy. Department of Veterans Affairs South Central MIRECC, Houston. [↩] - Vanderzee, Karin L., et al. “Treatments for Early Childhood Trauma: Decision Considerations for Clinicians.” Journal of Child & Adolescent Trauma, vol. 12, no. 4, Dec. 2018, pp. 515–28. PubMed Central, https://doi.org/10.1007/s40653-018-0244-6. [↩]
- VA.Gov | Veterans Affairs. https://www.ptsd.va.gov/understand_tx/cognitive_processing.asp. Accessed 27 Dec. 2022. [↩]
- VA.Gov | Veterans Affairs. https://www.ptsd.va.gov/understand_tx/prolonged_exposure.asp. Accessed 27 Dec. 2022. [↩]
- E. Alpert, A. M. Hayes, J. B. Barnes, et al., Predictors of Dropout in Cognitive Processing Therapy for PTSD: An
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