How Do I Stop Being Codependent? 5 Expert-Backed Steps to Transform Your Relationships

Do you find yourself constantly putting others’ needs before your own? Are you the person everyone relies on, even when it drains your energy and emotional resources? You might be experiencing codependency—a pattern where your own sense of purpose and self-worth become tangled up in another person’s life and problems

Codependent relationships create strong emotional patterns. “Helping” people can become almost addictive, even though it leaves you feeling empty and exhausted in the long run. Breaking free from these patterns takes time. But with consistent effort, you can build a healthier relationship with yourself and others.

Here are 5 key steps you can start taking now:

1. Recognize Your Codependent Patterns

The first step toward change is becoming aware of your codependent behaviors.¹ Start paying attention to situations where you feel responsible for others’ emotions or problems. Notice when you automatically put someone else’s needs before your own or when you feel anxious about setting boundaries.

Try keeping a journal to track moments when you feel resentful, exhausted, or unappreciated. Look for the situations or relationships that typically trigger these feelings. You can ask yourself questions like: “Am I doing this because I want to, or because I’m afraid of the consequences if I don’t?” You can even use journal prompts for codependency to help.

Pro tip: Keep in mind that awareness doesn’t mean judgment. These patterns developed for a reason—often as ways to cope with difficult situations. Observing them with curiosity rather than criticism will help you make lasting changes.

What Is Codependency?

Codependency is not officially recognized as a mental illness, but it is taken seriously by mental health professionals, who define it as “an unhealthy devotion to a relationship² at the cost of one’s personal and psychological needs.” It describes a relational pattern where you become so focused on the problems and needs of others that you neglect your own well-being. It’s more than just caring deeply—it’s when your emotional state, identity, and sense of purpose become excessively wrapped up in someone else’s life.

• Codependency in romantic relationships: In romantic relationships, codependency can look like constantly sacrificing your own preferences, walking on eggshells to avoid conflict, or feeling responsible for your partner’s happiness. You might stay in unhealthy situations because you believe your love can “fix” the other person.
• Codependency in family systems: Within families, codependency often appears as enmeshment—where boundaries between family members become blurred. You might feel obligated to solve everyone’s problems, shield relatives from consequences, or struggle to make decisions without family approval. This is often the case when one family member is struggling with substance abuse.³
• Codependency in friendships: In friendships, codependent behaviors include being the perpetual advice-giver or emotional support while rarely asking for help yourself. You might maintain one-sided friendships because you feel needed, even when these relationships drain you.

Codependency is often rooted in an attachment wound where the nervous system learned early on that safety comes from attuning to others, sometimes at the expense of self. It can look like feeling responsible for managing other people’s emotions while ignoring your own. Another sign is the feeling of unease or even panic when someone is upset with you, leading to people-pleasing or over-functioning in relationships. This can present as feeling tightness in your chest, a constant state of hypervigilance, or struggling to feel grounded in your own body.

Amanda Stretcher

2. Work on Building Self-Esteem

Codependency and low self-esteem usually go hand in hand. When you don’t value yourself, you might look for validation through helping others or staying in unhealthy relationships.

You feel good about yourself mainly when you’re helping others or when people need you. Instead of feeling relieved when a loved one says they don’t need your help, you feel hurt or like you don’t matter anymore.

Start building your self-worth by practicing self-compassion.⁴ Talk to yourself the way you would talk to a good friend—with kindness and understanding. Make a list of your positive qualities that have nothing to do with what you do for others.

Small acts of self-care also build self-esteem. When you treat yourself with respect—by keeping promises to yourself, taking time for activities you enjoy, or meeting your physical needs—you send yourself the message that you matter.

Pro tip: Daily affirmations can help you shift away from negative self-talk and toward a more positive sense of self. Simple statements like “I’m worthy of love and respect” or “My needs matter” can start to shift your perspective when you say them regularly.

3. Set and Enforce Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries allow you to create rules or set limits that define where your responsibilities end and another person’s begin. They protect your emotional well-being while allowing you to support others in healthy ways.

Setting boundaries can be uncomfortable at first, especially when you’re not used to it. As you do so, keep in mind that boundaries are for you,5 says boundary expert Nedra Glover Tawwab, LCSW:

Changing your behavior and not forcing others to change can be a significant part of setting boundaries…It would be nice if everyone automatically knew how to respect our boundaries. We often have to communicate them clearly and enforce consequences when they are not respected. So, when someone crosses one of my boundaries, I will take action to protect myself and my needs.

Be clear and direct when communicating boundaries. Use “I” statements that focus on your needs rather than accusing the other person. For example, “I need some alone time to recharge” works better than “You’re demanding too much of my time.”

Prepare yourself for pushback. Some people in your life may resist your new boundaries because they benefit from your codependent behaviors. Remember that their reaction isn’t your responsibility, and temporary discomfort is part of creating lasting change.

Consistency is key. When you set a boundary, follow through with it. Each time you maintain a healthy boundary, even when it’s difficult, you’re building new patterns that will eventually replace codependent ones.

4. Learn to Prioritize Your Needs

For many people with codependent tendencies, identifying their own needs can feel foreign. Get in the habit of asking yourself: “What do I want right now?” or “What would feel good to me in this situation?”

Practice making decisions based on your preferences. Start with small choices like what to eat for lunch or what movie to watch, then work up to bigger decisions.

Prepare phrases for when you need to put yourself first. Simple statements like “I need to take care of myself right now” or “I’ll need to check my schedule before committing” give you space to consider your own needs.

Pro tip: Remember that prioritizing your needs isn’t selfish—it’s necessary for your well-being and actually leads to healthier relationships. When you’re not depleted from ignoring your own needs, you have more genuine energy to share with others.

Codependency vs. Interdependence

Unlike healthy independence—where 2 people mutually rely on each other while maintaining individual identities—codependency creates an imbalance. Healthy relationships involve give-and-take, with both people supporting each other while respecting boundaries. Both parties feel free to express needs, disagree respectfully, and maintain outside interests and relationships.

The key distinction here is that interdependence strengthens both individuals, while codependency tends to diminish at least one person’s wellness and autonomy over time.

Signs of Codependency

Spotting codependent patterns⁶ in your life is the first big step toward making real change. Everyone’s experience with codependency looks a bit different, but here are some common signs you might recognize in yourself:

• Excessive caretaking: You almost always put other people’s needs ahead of your own, even when it hurts you. For example, you might stay up all night helping a friend with their project even though you have an important meeting tomorrow, cook fancy meals for your family while you just eat whatever’s left over, or say “yes” to additional tasks when you already feel overburdened.
• Difficulty setting boundaries: You find it really hard to say “no” when people ask you for favors or your time. You may cancel plans you were looking forward to because a coworker asked for help at the last minute, or you let family members call you during your workday for things that aren’t emergencies.
• People-pleasing tendencies: You make decisions based on what will make others happy, not what’s best for you. You might agree with someone’s opinion even when you actually think differently, just to avoid any conflict. Or you might take on extra tasks because you’re scared of letting someone down.

• Fear of abandonment: A codependent person will often work extra hard to keep relationships going because they’re scared people will leave them. This could mean putting up with someone treating you badly or staying in relationships that don’t make you happy because the idea of being alone feels too scary to face.
• Controlling behaviors: In an attempt to be helpful, you try to control situations or people out of anxiety. This can look like constantly offering unsolicited advice or getting frustrated when someone doesn’t follow your suggestions about how to handle their problems.
• Difficulty identifying your own feelings: You’re tuned into others’ emotions but disconnected from your own. You might be able to sense when your partner is upset before they even realize it but struggle to answer when someone asks how you’re feeling.
• Unhealthy attachment to drama or crisis: You feel most purposeful when solving problems and might even unconsciously create or seek out chaotic situations where you can play the rescuer. When times are crisis-free, you may feel anxious, uncertain, or uncomfortable.

5. Seek Support and Professional Help

Overcoming codependency is challenging work, and you don’t have to do it alone. Professional support can make a huge difference in your healing journey.

Therapy, especially with someone who specializes in codependency, family systems, or trauma, can help you understand the roots of your codependent patterns and develop strategies to change them. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) are particularly effective approaches for addressing codependency.

Support groups like Codependents Anonymous (CoDA)6 offer connection with others facing similar challenges. Spending time around others who share your experiences can reduce shame and provide insights for your recovery.

Self-help books about codependency, boundaries, and self-esteem can supplement other forms of support. Look for resources by recognized mental health professionals that offer practical exercises alongside information.

Pro tip: Codependent No More² and its accompanying workbook by codependency expert Melody Beattie are classics on the topic, and a great place to start. There are also treatment resources available.

Life Beyond Codependency: Your Journey to Emotional Freedom

Breaking free from codependent patterns opens the door to relationships where you can truly be yourself. Working with a professional can accelerate your progress, giving you tools that fit your specific situation and background. Whether you choose one-on-one therapy or a structured program, having expert support gives you the guidance and follow-through that helps make real, lasting change possible.