You’re Still You: Resources for Recovery from Domestic Violence

Abuse and Addiction

Drug and alcohol use complicate any relationship. That’s true whether it’s healthy, abusive, or somewhere in between. You might go out drinking with coworkers, and end up kissing your work crush for the first time. Or, you might stay in a violent relationship because it’s the only way you can access cocaine. These are extreme examples, but they’re both on the same spectrum.

Coercion is common in abusive relationships.⁶ In that dynamic, one person convinces the other to do things they don’t really want to do. This reinforces the imbalance of power. It can also make you feel ashamed of your own actions. And if they’re coercing you to take drugs or drink excessively, there’s a direct impact on your mental health. Drug use can stop you from thinking clearly, so it’s impossible to make an escape plan. It can also dull your emotions and interfere with your memory, so you have a harder time proving there was abuse in the first place.

Trauma Bonding

Drug abuse increases the risk of domestic violence.⁷ These two patterns also follow a similar rhythm. The high of being on drugs is often followed by the crash of a hangover. The same thing happens in abusive relationships—the good times are the very best, and the bad times are awful. In some relationships, there’s little in between.

This cycle can lead to traumatic bonding.⁸ Here’s how that works:

1. You develop a close, trusting relationship with another person. You come to rely on them for emotional support.
2. They commit an act of violence against you.
3. You feel hurt, and instinctively seek comfort.
4. Because you’re close to your abuser, you turn to them. If they’re also isolating you from friends and family, you may not have anyone else to talk to.
5. They either provide or withhold emotional support. Either way, this reinforces the power dynamic, reminding you how much you need them.

The experts at All Points North Lodge say that trauma bonds feel a lot like addiction.⁹ So whether or not you’re actually taking drugs, residential rehab might be the right place to start healing.

Long-Term Recovery From Abuse

When it’s time to leave an abusive relationship, you’ll have some urgent priorities. And your long-term mental health might not be one of them. That’s okay. Start by securing a place to live, an income stream, and other basic necessities. You can plan your emotional recovery when you’re ready. At that point, you’ll have several options.

Trauma-Informed Care

Trauma-informed care is a general style of treatment, not a specific type of therapy. It’s often helpful for people with specific diagnoses, like post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or complex PTSD (c-PTSD). It can also treat more general symptoms of trauma, as well as addiction and other mental health issues.

In this approach, providers use certain tactics to make recovery accessible. For example, if you get triggered during a therapy session, they’ll know how to respond. Trauma-informed care honors you as the authority on your own experience.

According to experts in domestic violence, a trauma-informed therapist “views individuals as survivors¹⁰ rather than victims, and recognizes symptoms as adaptive responses.” In other words, the symptoms of trauma serve a purpose. Or, they did while you were in a dangerous situation. Once you get to a safe place, those same behaviors might get in the way of your mental health. Treatment empowers you to recognize when those responses are and aren’t helpful. You’ll also learn more sustainable coping strategies.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) takes a practical approach to recovery. As a behavioral treatment, it puts you in the driver’s seat. Instead of focusing on how you feel, it teaches you new ways to respond to your feelings. And changing the way you act can improve your life and relationships. In time, you’ll feel better because of your ongoing behavior. CBT is a popular treatment for survivors of partner violence.¹¹

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) uses physical stimuli to help you work through traumatic memories. Usually, patients describe those memories in detail during a therapy session. By performing certain eye movements, they become desensitized to triggers. But EMDR for domestic violence survivors can look a little different.¹² You won’t always recount past memories during a therapy session. Instead, you might focus on mindfulness techniques and free association.

Cognitive Processing Therapy

Cognitive processing therapy (CPT) was first developed to treat survivors of sexual assault.¹³ It can also help you heal from other types of intimate violence, like verbal and physical attacks. Unlike CBT, this approach delves into your deepest thoughts and feelings about your trauma.

After intimate violence, many survivors have a sense of cognitive dissonance. For instance, you might blame yourself for someone else’s actions. But at the same time, you may feel like you had no power in the situation. It’s often hard to reconcile your sense of self with the reality of abuse. CPT helps patients make peace with that paradox.

Find Yourself Through Recovery

Trauma changes you. Maybe you lost a period of time, or a relationship you cared about. It can even seem like you lost yourself.  And the process of recovery can feel a lot like grief.

There’s no simple solution here. But with the right support, there is a way forward. Over time, you can get to know yourself again, and build the beautiful life you deserve.

Connect with a rehab with domestic violence services to learn about their housing options, pricing, and treatments.

1. Huecker, Martin R., et al. “Domestic Violence.” StatPearls, StatPearls Publishing, 2022. PubMed, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK499891/. [↩]
2. Hine, Benjamin, et al. “‘I Have Guys Call Me and Say “I Can’t Be the Victim of Domestic Abuse”’: Exploring the Experiences of Telephone Support Providers for Male Victims of Domestic Violence and Abuse.” Journal of Interpersonal Violence, vol. 37, no. 7–8, Apr. 2022, pp. NP5594–625. DOI.org (Crossref), https://doi.org/10.1177/0886260520944551. [↩]
3. Henning, Kris, et al. “‘I Didn’t Do It, but If I Did I Had a Good Reason’: Minimization, Denial, and Attributions of Blame Among Male and Female Domestic Violence Offenders.” Journal of Family Violence, vol. 20, no. 3, June 2005, pp. 131–39. Springer Link, https://doi.org/10.1007/s10896-005-3647-8. [↩]
4. “Violent Victimization by Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity, 2017–2020.” Bureau of Justice Statistics, https://bjs.ojp.gov/library/publications/violent-victimization-sexual-orientation-and-gender-identity-2017-2020. Accessed 19 Dec. 2022. [↩]
5. Calton, Jenna M., et al. “Barriers to Help Seeking for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer Survivors of Intimate Partner Violence.” Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, vol. 17, no. 5, Dec. 2016, pp. 585–600. DOI.org (Crossref), https://doi.org/10.1177/1524838015585318. [↩]
6. “MENTAL HEALTH AND SUBSTANCE ABUSE COERCION: Safety and Well-Being Tipsheet Series.” National Center on Domestic Violence, Trauma & Mental Health. https://www.nationalcenterdvtraumamh.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/Mental-Health-and-Substance-Abuse-Coercion.pdf [↩]
7. Moore, Barbara C., et al. “Drug Abuse and Intimate Partner Violence: A Comparative Study of Opioid-Dependent Fathers.” The American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, vol. 81, no. 2, Apr. 2011, pp. 218–27. PubMed Central, https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1939-0025.2011.01091.x. [↩]
8. “Identifying & Overcoming Trauma Bonds.” The Hotline, https://www.thehotline.org/resources/trauma-bonds-what-are-they-and-how-can-we-overcome-them/. Accessed 19 Dec. 2022. [↩]
9. How to Heal from a Trauma Bond Relationship – Mental Health. 18 Feb. 2022, https://apn.com/resources/how-to-heal-from-a-trauma-bond-relationship/. [↩]
10. Carole Warshaw and Phyllis Brashler. “Mental Health Treatment for Survivors of Intimate Partner Violence.” National Center on Domestic Violence, Trauma & Mental Health. https://www.nationalcenterdvtraumamh.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/Mitchell-Chapter-24.pdf [↩]
11. Tan, Melissa, et al. “Psychological Therapies for Women Who Experience Intimate Partner Violence.” The Cochrane Database of Systematic Reviews, vol. 2018, no. 5, May 2018, p. CD013017. PubMed Central, https://doi.org/10.1002/14651858.CD013017. [↩]
12. “Treating Women Who Have Experienced Intimate Partner Violence.” American Psychological Association. https://www.psychiatry.org/File%20Library/Psychiatrists/Cultural-Competency/IPV-Guide/APA-Guide-to-IPV-Among-Women.pdf [↩]
13. Cognitive Processing Therapy for Sexual Assault. https://mainweb-v.musc.edu/vawprevention/research/savictims.shtml#:~:text=Cognitive%20Processing%20Therapy%20(CPT)%20is,PTSD)%20in%20sexual%20assault%20survivors. Accessed 19 Dec. 2022.
    [↩]