What Is Trauma? 10 Expert Answers On The Internet's Most Searched Trauma Questions

Trauma is more than war stories, it is the everyday ways overwhelming experiences change how safe we feel in our bodies and our lives. In this episode of Recoverable, licensed family therapist and EMDR specialist Laurel van der Toorn sits down with host Terry to tackle the internet’s most searched questions about trauma. This article covers the first five of the top ten, pulled straight from the conversation. We will publish the final five next week when part two of the interview drops.

1) What is trauma?

Trauma is what happened in you, not just what happened to you

Once upon a time we called it “shell shock,” and we thought it belonged mostly to combat veterans. Laurel explains how the field has widened since Vietnam, recognizing that trauma can follow both acute events and experiences that were not technically life threatening, yet deeply threatened your sense of safety, identity, or worldview.

Her working definition is simple and humane, “Trauma is anything that has a pronounced negative impact on your view of yourself or the world and produces symptoms that make life more difficult.” Two people can sit at the same table, hear the same words, and walk away with very different nervous system responses. Perception of threat, and how the brain stores the event, is what drives the aftermath.

A story from the episode makes it clear. An older brother repeatedly terrorized his younger siblings with a horror mask. One little boy, exhausted from constant fear, finally sat on the couch and said, “Do it, just kill me.” The intent was “just a joke,” the child’s reality was mortal terror. The takeaway, your body’s lived experience is the truth that matters for healing.

2) How do I know if I have trauma?

Use the 30 day check and the window of tolerance

After something upsetting, a bumpy few weeks can be normal. Laurel offers a practical guide, in the first 30 days you might see disrupted sleep, appetite changes, edginess, or numbness while your system processes. If those symptoms continue past 30 days, or resurface later in a strong way, it points to a traumatic impact.

Laurel teaches the “window of tolerance,” the zone where you can think, feel, and act at the same time. Inside the window, you are calm but alert. Above it, you feel anxious, keyed up, hypervigilant. Below it, you feel numb, foggy, checked out. Trauma shrinks that window, so everyday bumps knock you out of it faster and longer.

Real life clues help, watch your sleep, appetite, mood swings, and relationship patterns. Do you react to small stressors like a five alarm fire, or go blank when you need to speak? Do you distrust people who are consistently trustworthy? These are signs your body might be protecting you based on past danger, not present reality. Curiosity is step one, not judgment. As Laurel says, “All behavior makes sense in context.”

3) Can childhood trauma affect you as an adult?

Absolutely, and it often shows up first in love and feedback

“Fish do not notice the water,” Laurel says. If you grew up in chaos, chaos feels normal. Childhood experiences shape attachment styles, the patterns we bring to adult relationships. Secure attachment often comes from good enough, not perfect, caregiving. Anxious or avoidant patterns can follow misattunement, unpredictability, or unsafe dynamics. Disorganized attachment is more likely when trauma was severe.

You can hear childhood echoes in adult life. Feeling attacked by simple feedback. Bracing for the other shoe to drop in a healthy relationship. Checking out emotionally when closeness increases. You may even pick jobs that mirror early stress, emergency rooms and courtrooms are full of people who can function in a crisis because crisis once felt like home. Laurel’s goal is not to take away that superpower, it is to help you settle when the shift ends so home does not feel like a crisis too.

Comforting note for parents, “Perfect is the enemy of good.” You do not need 100 percent attunement to support secure attachment. Often, a consistent, good enough response the majority of the time is what matters most.

4) Can trauma be healed?

Yes, healing changes your relationship to the memory, not your identity

Laurel is clear, “Absolutely, I do it every day.” Healing is not forgetting, and it is not erasing the sharpness and empathy you gained by surviving hard things. Think of the trauma memory like a file your brain pinned to the desktop with an alarm. Good trauma therapy moves that file into long term storage where it belongs. You can still open it, but it no longer blares.

People often report a shift from an eight out of ten level of distress when recalling the event to near zero. They say, “It is blurrier now,” or “I feel far away from it,” while staying present and calm. That is healing. You keep the wisdom, you lose the constant survival mode.

Set realistic expectations. Single incident shocks and phobias sometimes shift quickly, especially when you are well resourced. Complex trauma, the layered kind, usually takes longer. Insurance might imagine twelve sessions, but lasting change for complicated histories often needs more time. You can still expect benefit along the way, especially when the approach is evidence based and the therapeutic relationship is strong.

5) What does it mean that trauma lives in the body?

When your mind knows you are safe but your body says danger, that split is the work

“Your body is doing its job, it is just doing too good a job,” Laurel says. Trauma memories are stored as if they were vital for daily survival. A sound, tone of voice, or smell can yank the body into fight, flight, or freeze even when the thinking brain knows, “I am on my couch.” That mismatch, logic versus physiology, is the hallmark of unprocessed trauma.

Laurel draws a useful line between discomfort and triggers. A trigger is not anything you dislike. A trigger is the cue that pulls you out of your window of tolerance. Clues include a racing heart, shallow breathing, a tight throat, a voice that goes high, sudden aches, or shutting down. Track core body functions, sleep, appetite, and movement. Notice patterns without shaming yourself. Those patterns are your map back to safety.

Before you scroll away, try Laurel’s quick body tool. Calm Place: picture a real or imagined safe spot, beach, grandma’s kitchen, even Hogwarts if that soothes you. Notice the light and sounds. Lightly butterfly tap, alternating shoulders once or twice per second. Stay with any small shift toward ease. If nothing shifts, stay curious. You can even tap on your thighs under a table in a meeting, quiet regulation you can use anywhere.

What therapies help with trauma, and how does EMDR work?

Resourcing first, then reprocessing with an evidence based roadmap

The conversation highlights EMDR, eye movement desensitization and reprocessing, and why Laurel loves it. EMDR is an eight phase model. Early sessions focus on history and preparation, building coping tools so you can tolerate intensity safely. Reprocessing uses bilateral stimulation, eye movements, alternating taps, or tones, to help the brain store stuck memories differently. Over time, disturbance drops and the body stops acting like the event is happening now.

Other evidence based options include somatic therapies, trauma focused CBT, and parts work like internal family systems. The best therapy is the one that fits you, with a therapist you feel connected to. Research consistently shows the therapeutic relationship is a major driver of outcomes. One practical tip from Laurel, “Do not work with an EMDR therapist who skips preparation. Resourcing is what lets you process safely.”

6. What’s the Consequence of the Disconnect Between Mind and Body?

Laurel explains that trauma often creates a split between what we know and what we feel.
You might logically know you’re safe — sitting at home, talking on a laptop — yet your body insists you’re still in danger. “That’s extremely common with trauma,” Laurel says. “You rationally know you’re okay, but there’s this overwhelming sense from your body that you’re not.”

The consequences ripple through daily life: constant tension, poor sleep, relationship strain, and anxiety that seems to come out of nowhere. Many people end up “white-knuckling” through their days, functioning but never truly feeling safe. Healing means closing that gap — helping the body catch up to the mind.

7. How Can People-Pleasing Be a Trauma Response?

When Laurel says people-pleasing is common in complex trauma, she’s not talking about politeness — she’s talking about survival.
“As kids, we may have had to make sure Dad was okay, because if he wasn’t, none of us were,” she explains. “That behavior made sense in context.”

Over time, those same peacekeeping instincts can become exhausting. Adults who were once the emotional caretakers of their households might continue to sacrifice their own needs to keep the peace. It’s not weakness; it’s conditioning. And while the behavior may once have protected them, it now prevents genuine connection.

The good news? Awareness is the first step toward change. As Laurel reminds, “You get to keep the good parts of you — but you can relax and enjoy your life more.”

8. Why Do We Repeat Familiar Patterns — Even When They Hurt Us?

One of the most relatable moments in the conversation comes when Laurel describes how familiarity can feel like attraction. “Sometimes people meet someone and think, ‘They feel familiar.’ And that’s not always a good thing,” she says.

Often, our brains seek to “close the loop” from childhood — unconsciously choosing partners who resemble the people who once hurt or neglected us, hoping for a different outcome. Laurel calls this “the loop getting worse.”

The antidote? Seek corrective emotional experiences.
When a relationship feels unfamiliar — calm, kind, even a little boring — that might be what safety actually feels like. “If you’re not immediately drawn to it, that might be a good sign,” she laughs. “Safety can feel boring at first.”

9. Does Trauma Actually Change the Brain?

“Yes — with an asterisk,” Laurel says with a smile. “Trauma changes your brain, but it can be changed back.”

Trauma rewires the brain to stay alert to danger, even when none exists. But the same neuroplasticity that helped us survive also makes healing possible. Through therapy and intentional new behaviors, we can literally reprogram those pathways.

Laurel celebrates small victories: a client asserting a boundary, saying “that bothered me,” and realizing the world doesn’t collapse. “There’s no bigger celebration in my office,” she says. “The brain changes when we practice new behaviors and experience safety.”

Healing doesn’t erase the past — it integrates it. You keep the wisdom, but lose the fear.

How Does Understanding the Brain Reduce Shame?

Shame, Laurel says, is “a stumbling block to healing.” When people understand that their reactions are physiological — not moral failings — it replaces shame with compassion.

“I just try to shift it into curiosity,” she explains. “Let’s get curious: why did you do that?”
It’s not about blame, but understanding. “All behavior makes sense in context,” Laurel reminds. “You learned the only safe way to engage was this way. What if you tried it differently?”

That mindset — curiosity over condemnation — opens the door to change. “No one has ever been shamed into effective change,” she says. “Deep, lasting change comes from curiosity and self-compassion.”

10. How Do Therapists Treat Trauma?

For those wondering what trauma therapy actually looks like, Laurel describes it as “a healing relationship.”

“You should feel safe with your therapist,” she emphasizes. “We’re born into relationship, we’re wounded in relationship, and we’re healed in relationship.”There’s no one-size-fits-all approach. Techniques like EMDR, somatic work, or Internal Family Systems are simply tools — but trust is the foundation. If you’re exploring therapy, Laurel encourages you to ask questions: What will sessions look like? What’s the map of where we’re going?
Your therapist should be able to explain it clearly, without jargon or mystery.

Conclusion: Healing Is Possible — and Likely

As the conversation wraps up, Laurel leaves listeners with a powerful truth: “We’re all doing the best we can — and we can do better.”
Healing isn’t about perfection. It’s about safety, connection, and hope — even if someone else has to hold that hope for you for a while.

“I often tell clients, ‘You may not believe yet that life can be good, but I’ll hold that belief for you,’” she says. “Hope feels threatening when you’ve been in survival mode — but that’s exactly when you need it most.”