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Understanding Suicide Loss: Lisa’s 5+ Ways to Support Yourself and Others
If you or someone you know is in crisis, please call the 988 Crisis Line or your local emergency services number.
The ripple effect of suicide is far-reaching, touching countless lives beyond the individual lost. For every suicide, 135 people are impacted, whether they are family, friends, or acquaintances. This staggering statistic, highlighted by Lisa Sugarman on the Giving Voice to Mental Health Podcast, means that over 94 million people annually worldwide are affected by suicide loss. This unique form of grief, often accompanied by complex emotions like guilt and trauma, requires specialized support that generalized grief resources may not provide.
Lisa Sugarman, a three-time suicide loss survivor, emphasizes the isolation often felt by those grieving a suicide. “I just want people to understand two things,” she shares, “First is that they’re not alone. It’s such an isolating experience, but you’re not alone. There are so many people who’ve been impacted by suicide loss. People just don’t talk about it. The second thing is help is out there.”
For those navigating the aftermath of suicide loss, or for anyone seeking to better understand and support someone who is, this article delves into the nuances of suicide grief and offers practical advice and essential resources.
1. Recognizing the Unique Nature of Suicide Grief
Grief is a complex emotion, but grief stemming from suicide loss carries additional layers of pain and confusion. Unlike other forms of loss, suicide often leaves survivors grappling with questions of “why” and “what if,” leading to intense feelings of guilt, shame, and even anger. The sudden and often traumatic nature of suicide can make it incredibly difficult for those left behind to process their emotions.
Lisa Sugarman eloquently describes this distinction: “Suicide’s a funny animal in that way. It’s a, it’s a very unique and nuanced kind of grief because you have elements of a suicide grief that don’t exist with traditional loss.” These elements can include:
- Profound Guilt: Survivors often question if they missed signs or could have done something to prevent the death. This self-blame, though often unfounded, can be overwhelming.
- Trauma: The manner of death can be deeply traumatic, leading to intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, and other symptoms of post-traumatic stress.
- Stigma and Shame: Despite growing awareness, a societal stigma still surrounds suicide, making it difficult for survivors to openly discuss their loss and seek support.
- Complicated Bereavement: The unresolved questions and intense emotions associated with suicide can lead to complicated bereavement, a prolonged and intense form of grief that interferes with daily functioning.
Understanding these unique facets is the first step toward effective support and healing. It acknowledges that suicide loss is not “just” grief but a multifaceted experience requiring specific understanding and care.
2. Navigating the Waves of Grief, Even Years Later
Grief is not a linear process; it ebbs and flows, often resurfacing unexpectedly even years after a loss. Lisa Sugarman’s personal story powerfully illustrates this. She grieved her father’s death from a “heart attack” for 35 years before accidentally discovering he had died by suicide. This revelation brought back the raw, intense pain of loss, feeling as though she was “10 years old again.”
“My body remembered that grief the day that I found out he died when I was 10. In the same way I found out that it was a suicide 35 years later, and my body went right back to that same feeling that I had not felt in decades.”
This experience underscores that grief, particularly suicide grief, is not something to “get over.” Instead, it’s about learning to integrate the loss into your life and finding ways to carry it while still experiencing joy. For many, the initial shock and devastation eventually give way to a different, albeit persistent, form of grief.
- Grief Attacks: These are sudden, intense waves of sadness, longing, or distress that can be triggered by a memory, a date, or even a seemingly unrelated event. They are a normal part of the grieving process.
- Cyclical Nature: Grief often revisits in cycles, with periods of intense sadness followed by moments of peace or even happiness.
- Finding a “New Normal”: Life after suicide loss is never the same, but it is possible to find a “new normal” where the pain is still present but no longer paralyzing. This involves slowly re-engaging with life, finding meaning, and honoring the memory of the lost loved one.
It’s crucial for those grieving to be patient and compassionate with themselves. There’s no timeline for healing, and every individual’s journey is unique.
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3. Understanding Why Suicide Happens: It’s Not About You
One of the most agonizing aspects of suicide loss for survivors is the persistent question of “Was I enough?” or “Why did they do this to me?” This self-blame is a common and understandable reaction, but as Lisa Sugarman and many experts emphasize, suicide is rarely about the people left behind.
“What we have to remember is that the reason why our person chose to take their life was not about us. It’s not about us at all. It’s about them. And that one act, that final act, was the only act that they had complete control over.”
Individuals contemplating suicide are often in immense emotional pain, feeling hopeless and overwhelmed, unable to see a way out of their suffering. Their decision is a desperate attempt to end that pain, not to hurt or abandon their loved ones. While distorted thinking may lead some to believe they are a “burden” to their families, this perception is a symptom of their illness, not a reflection of reality.
- Mental Illness as a Driver: Suicide is often linked to underlying mental health conditions like depression, bipolar disorder, or other psychiatric illnesses that impair judgment and problem-solving.
- Loss of Control: For many, suicide is perceived as the only action they can control in a life that feels entirely out of their grasp.
- Inability to See Alternatives: The intense emotional pain can blind individuals to alternative solutions or available help.
Understanding these dynamics can help to alleviate the crushing burden of guilt that many survivors carry. You cannot fix what you do not know is broken, and even when you are aware of someone’s struggles, you may not be able to prevent their choice.
4. How to Support Someone Grieving a Suicide Loss
Knowing what to say and do when someone has lost a loved one to suicide can be challenging. Many people fear saying the wrong thing or making the situation worse. However, genuine presence and thoughtful communication can make a significant difference.
Lisa Sugarman offers clear guidance on what is helpful and what to avoid:
Helpful Phrases and Actions:
- “I’m here, I care.”
- “I want to listen.”
- “Let’s talk. What do you need?”
- “How can I help?”
- “Would it be helpful to you if we talked about your person? Or if we didn’t talk about your person?”
These phrases offer unconditional support and an open invitation for the grieving person to share at their own pace. Offering practical help, such as bringing meals, running errands, or simply sitting with them, can also be invaluable.
Things to Avoid:
- Asking for details about how the person took their life.
- Passing any kind of judgment.
- Saying things like, “Were there any signs?” This implies blame or negligence on the part of the survivor.
- Saying, “I bet you feel so guilty.” This can inflict immense pain on someone already struggling with self-blame.
The most powerful thing you can do is hold space for someone who has lost a loved one to suicide. This means being present, listening without judgment, and allowing them to feel whatever they feel without trying to “fix” it. Remember, almost everyone universally wants to be able to talk about their person in some way, so don’t shy away from mentioning their name or sharing positive memories.
5. Essential Resources and Lifelines for Support
In times of crisis or profound grief, knowing where to turn for help is crucial. Many resources are available, not just for those experiencing suicidal ideation, but also for suicide loss survivors and those who wish to support them.
National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Call or Text 988
“The best place that anyone can call and reach out to is the 988 Crisis and Suicide Hotline,” Lisa Sugarman emphasizes. This is a vital resource for anyone dealing with any kind of crisis, including grief. It’s important to remember that you don’t have to be in a suicidal state of mind to utilize 988. It’s designed to help individuals navigate any crisis, and grief is a significant part of that.
- Availability: 24/7 in the United States.
- Accessibility: Available by phone call, text, or through online chat at 988lifeline.org.
- Confidentiality: Services are confidential.
- Support for Others: As Lisa points out, you can even call 988 if you’re trying to support someone else and need guidance on how to approach the situation. “You don’t have to be calling for yourself,” she explains.
Other Valuable Resources:
- The Trevor Project: This organization provides crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to LGBTQ youth (ages 13-25). They offer a toll-free hotline (1-866-488-7386), text messaging, and online chat. You can find more information at TheTrevorProject.org.
- Crisis Text Line: For those who prefer texting over talking, the Crisis Text Line offers support by texting HOME to 741741 from anywhere in the US, anytime, about any type of crisis. Learn more at crisistextline.org.
- American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP): AFSP offers programs and resources for suicide prevention, education, and support for loss survivors. Their website, afsp.org, provides extensive information, including local support groups and resources.
- Alliance of Hope for Suicide Loss Survivors: This online forum and resource center provides a safe and compassionate community for suicide loss survivors. Visit allianceofhope.org.
- Local Support Groups: Many communities have in-person support groups specifically for suicide loss survivors. These groups offer a unique space to connect with others who truly understand the experience. Search online or through organizations like AFSP for groups in your area. Recovery.com also offers resources and treatment options for various mental health challenges.
Conclusion
Suicide loss is a profoundly painful and isolating experience, but as Lisa Sugarman reminds us, “You are not alone. There are so many people who’ve been impacted by suicide loss.” By understanding the unique nature of this grief, recognizing that it’s not a reflection of your worth or actions, and knowing where to access support, individuals can begin to navigate their healing journey. Whether you are a suicide loss survivor or someone looking to support a loved one, remember that compassion, open communication, and utilizing available resources are powerful tools for healing and hope.
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