Dr. Kiki Fehling’s 9 Transformative Lessons on DBT, Emotional Healing, and Recovery

On this episode of Recoverable, host Terry McGuire sits down with Dr. Kiki Fehling — a psychologist, author, and expert in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) — to talk about why understanding your emotions isn’t enough and how real change begins with doing.

From surviving a heart attack at 29 to helping others navigate trauma, Kiki’s story reveals how DBT can transform pain into growth. Whether you’re struggling with anxiety, addiction, or simply learning to feel your feelings, these insights will help you move toward balance, acceptance, and healing.

1. Insight Alone Isn’t Enough — Action Creates Change

Dr. Fehling opens the conversation with a truth that resonates deeply: “Insight can create change, but for a lot of people, it’s not enough.”

Many of us know why we act, react, or hurt. But, knowing doesn’t automatically heal us. DBT steps in where understanding ends — it’s about taking what we know and using it to build better habits, one small choice at a time.

Fehling explains that therapy shouldn’t just explore your past; it should teach you what to do next. DBT is active, skill-based, and grounded in behavior.

“You bring what’s important to you,” she says, “and I give you my knowledge and skills to help you get more of what you want.”

It’s therapy that gets practical — not just why you’re struggling, but how to start changing your life today.

2. The Power of “Both-And” Thinking

At the core of DBT is dialectics — the idea that two opposing things can both be true. You can love someone and be angry with them. You can accept where you are and still want to change.

“Dialectics helps people move away from all-or-nothing thinking,” Fehling explains. “It’s about finding truth in both sides.”

This “both-and” mindset helps people struggling with extremes (such as intense self-criticism, fear, or relationship turmoil) find balance. Instead of living in black-and-white emotions, DBT teaches the gray: the nuance where healing actually happens.

When we embrace both acceptance and change, life stops being a fight and becomes a practice.

3. Radical Acceptance Frees You to Move Forward

Acceptance doesn’t mean liking something painful; it means acknowledging what’s real so you can finally respond to it effectively.

Fehling tells a story from her own life — being stuck in a long-distance relationship during grad school. She fought against the situation until she learned radical acceptance.

“When I finally accepted what was real, it released pressure. I started making friends, investing in where I was — and that’s when everything changed.”

That shift, she says, is the heart of acceptance. "When you stop pushing against reality, you open space for movement, clarity, and even joy.”

4. Emotions Aren’t the Enemy — They’re Data

One of Fehling’s most powerful reframes is simple: emotions aren’t good or bad. They’re information.

“We evolved to feel emotions because they help us,” she says. “They tell us what matters, help us make decisions, and connect with others.”

Anger can protect us. Fear can keep us safe. Even sadness has purpose — it slows us down to process loss. The problem isn’t the emotion itself; it’s when we don’t know how to manage it.

DBT gives people a roadmap to work with emotions rather than against them. By identifying what’s helpful or unhelpful, instead of labeling feelings as good or bad, we begin to use emotions as allies in healing, not obstacles to it.

5. DBT Works Because It Teaches Life Skills

Dr. Fehling often calls DBT “life skills training.” It’s therapy, yes, but it’s also education — learning how to handle stress, communicate better, and regulate your emotions.

From mindfulness to interpersonal effectiveness, DBT teaches what most of us were never taught growing up. “I wish this was part of school curriculum,” Fehling says. “We all feel emotions. Everyone could benefit from DBT skills.”

She recalls her five-year-old nephew learning emotion words in preschool: “That’s amazing,” she says. “Because when you can name what you feel, you can do something with it.”

In recovery, emotional literacy is the foundation for everything else — connection, confidence, and lasting change.

To dive deeper into the skills and stories Dr. Fehling shares, listen to this episode of Recoverable on Recovery.com — and take the next step toward building your own life worth living.

Check back next Thursday, 11/20, for the continuation of our conversation with Dr. Fehling!